Profound Bond
by DysfunctionalNightmare
Summary: Ok, right to the point. Destiel. Fem! Human! Cas. Don't like then don't read. Takes place a few days after Sam killed Lilith and they find out Cas was killed. More summary inside.


**Cas is back after being killed by Raphael, not only as a female, but as a human. Sam & Dean show her the ropes of being human as they try to get through the Apocalypse.**

**This somewhat sticks to S5 canon & works off of what really happened, but obviously a lot was added and changed to bring in a human girl Cas.**

**This fic sparked from my annoyance to to a lot of talk on tumblr saying Destiel was only shipped because we all want to see Jensen and Misha together (on screen). I fully disagree. I'm not saying that isn't a good reason to ship Destiel, or judging anyone's shipping reasons, this is just MY opinion. I ship Destiel because I see how much Dean & Cas care about each other. There isn't a question in my mind about that. I believe they're soul mates, I could sit here all day and list the reasons why. They have been to Hell & back and everywhere in between together and still come through when the other calls. If ANY two characters male/male, male/female, female/female, acted they way these two do towards and for each other, I'd say the same thing. Whether you think Cas and Dean are together physically or not, you can't say there isn't love there. **

**So, before anyone bashes me for putting them together AFTER Cas turns female & calls me a hypocrite, pay attention to what was written. I think (hope) I made it pretty obvious Dean & Cas' feelings predated the gender swap.**

**Anyhoo, If you're still reading after my public service announcement, thank you! WARNINGS are for Language, violence, angst, self-loathing, semi S5 spoilers, and slash...only a smidge.**

It had been three days since Sam broke the final seal and Lucifer was freed from his cage. They didn't know how, but they were zapped out of the room before the Devil could get them. They ended up on an airplane that started to crash then suddenly they were in a car driving down an empty road. They called Bobby the first chance they got, then went into hiding. At the moment, they were staying in some crummy motel room in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, hoping to stay under the radar. Sam had made a few hex bags, a skill he learned from Ruby, to keep them hidden.

Sam opened the hotel room door and walked in, followed by Dean, who shut the door behind him. They both suddenly stopped their movement and took notice of the other person in the room with them.

Standing next to the end of Dean's bed was a young woman. She was draped in a thin sheet Because of the lighting in the room they could see that it was the only material covering her.

"Hey!" Sam shouted, pulling out his gun and pointing it at the stranger. "Who are you?"

"Sam don't!" Dean warned, stepping forward and pushing Sam's arm down. "It's Cas," he finished quietly.

"What?" Sam questioned in surprise, lowering the gun. "_That's _Cas?"

"Hello Sam," came the somewhat familiar sounding voice, only higher in pitch and with a feminine touch to it.

"Hey Cas,"Sam greeted unsure.

"Cas you're...how did you...what happened?" Dean asked, taking a few steps forward.

"I really don't know," Cas answered, tilting her head to the side with the same look of confusion that had been a typical look in the angel's other vessel.

"I can't believe you're alive," Dean said with a small smile, sounding relieved. "Chuck said that arch angel douche killed you."

"The arch angel," Cas said with distaste. "Did kill me. I don't know why or how I'm alive."

"Well uh, it's good to have you back," Sam said, clearing his throat awkwardly. The initial shock of Cas' return was lessening and the revealing state the angel's new vessel was becoming harder to overlook.

"Uh, yeah, right," Dean said nervously, coming to the same page as Sam. "What's with the change in vessel? Ya get bored? Nice choice by the way, chick is hot," Dean said, his general cocky tone returning.

"Dean," Sam said, sending him a glare.

"This isn't a vessel Dean," Cas answered matter-of-fact.

"Then what is it?" Sam asked.

"I'm human."

"You're what?" The brothers asked in unison.

"I need to breathe, I feel things, I believe I am hungry and I have a heart beat that I'm not controlling," Cas explained methodically.

"Holy shit," Dean whispered in disbelief.

"I require clothing," Cas said simply, looking down at herself.

Dean caught himself staring for a moment before he snapped himself back into focus. He'd been totally on edge since he thought Cas was killed. It'd been three of the worst days of his life. He felt an emptiness inside of him that he was confused by. Sure he liked Cas just fine, he wasn't a dick like the other angels and he'd risked his life to help them, but he didn't realize how much he'd grown to care about Cas in the year since they'd met.

"You can wear these for tonight," Dean said, handing Cas a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt that he'd gotten out of his duffle bag. "We'll get ya some of your own stuff in the morning."

Cas took the offered clothes, thanked Dean and made her way to the bathroom to get dressed. Sam and Dean exchanged confused looks, neither knew where to even begin. Cas was back, great, but it wasn't exactly Cas and what the hell was going on? Why was he...she a human now? How was she even alive?

Whoever...whatever, brought Cas back had a sentimental streak in them. She came back the spitting image of Jimmy, only a girl version. The same deep blue eyes gave the same intent looks. Almost black hair, which hung to just a few inches above her elbows, that looked like it had just been sept on, yet totally worked. She also had similar, more feminine, bone structure and the same skin tone.

A few minutes later Cas emerged from the bathroom wearing Dean's clothes. They filled her in on what she'd missed since being killed. She had the same furrowed brow look of concern that Jimmy often got as she listened to the brothers take turns telling the story. Sam looked ashamed as Dean filled in the Lilith part and Cas gave him a sympathetic look. If anyone should feel guilty about this it was her. If she'd only rebelled sooner maybe this could have been averted. If only she didn't let Sam out of the panic room. But those were Heaven's orders and at the time she wanted to believe they were just.

That night Cas slept in Dean's bed and he took the couch. He didn't get much sleep, he spent most of the night tossing and turning, wondering why Cas was back and how the hell they were going to stop Lucifer.

Dean was the first one up the next morning and he went out to get everyone breakfast. By the time he got back the other two were awake. Sam was in the shower and Cas was sitting up in bed looking at the TV, but not seeming to be watching it.

"You hungry?" Dean asked, as he set the bag down on the counter in the little kitchenette area of the room.

"I think so," Cas said tilting her head, looking over at him.

"That's a yes. Come're, I got something to give you," Dean said with a grin.

Cas got up and crossed the room, sitting down at the table when Dean gestured to do so. Dean put the container in front of her, opened it and handed her a plastic fork. She eyed to food curiously and looked up at Dean.

"You're about to experience one of the top five things about being a human," Dean said, sitting across from her with his own container. "Apple pie."

"What are the other four?" Cas wondered.

"I'll tell ya when we cross those bridges."

Cas watched Dean who took his the first forkful of his own pie into his mouth and gave her a nod in encouragement. Just then Sam came out of the bathroom and made his way over to the table. Cas took her first bite of pie, chewed it slowly and swallowed. She glanced down at the rest of it and looked deep in thought. Dean waited expectantly for her reaction.

"Pie? Seriously?" Sam questioned disapprovingly. "Dude, it's breakfast. We're supposed to be teaching her how to be human."

"Introducing her to pie is a vital part of that, now shut up," Dean said annoyed. "Cas, whatta ya think?" Dean questioned, turning his attention to the person across from him.

Cas looked up from her pie with the same expression on her face then a small smile formed on her lips.

"This is amazing," she said, smiling wider.

Dean smirked at Sam in triumph, who in turn, rolled his eyes and pulled his own food container out of the bag. The three ate the rest of their meals in silence. Cas finished her piece of pie and ate the second piece Dean had gotten for himself. Sam glared at Dean while eating his eggs when she asked for the second slice but he ignored it.

Bobby showed up shortly after they were done eating. They'd decided to lay low for a few days after Lucifer was sprung from his cage, but now he was here and it was time to go into serious research mode. Although Dean didn't have much hope. What book or web site was gonna have info on killing the Devil?

Bobby pretty much had the same initial shocked reaction to Castiel's new form, then just grunted and went to get the rest of the books from his car. Dean always used any excuse he could to get out of research and Cas was a perfect one this time.

"You ready to go Cas?" Dean asked.

"Go where?" Cas wondered.

"To go get you clothes," Dean answered, standing up from the table.

They drove for a few minutes in silence. Dean glanced over at Cas a few times wanting to ask things, but not knowing where to start. He was nervous for some strange reason.

_C'mon Dean, this is Cas, just talk to him...uh her. _

"So, uh, what should we call you now?" Dean asked, breaking the silence with probably the most simplistic question on his list, but still one that needed answering none-the-less.

"What are you talking about?" Cas asked confused.

"You're a chick now. Wasn't Castiel your dude name?" Dean asked unsure.

"I wasn't a dude, Dean," Cas said simply.

"Yeah, yeah, an angel, I know. But a guy one."

"I wasn't a _guy _anything. My vessel Jimmy was a male. You're attributing too much human aspect to my kind. Angels are gender-less."

"Gender-less?" Dean questioned. "So, you don't think of yourselves as male or female at all?"

"Some angels feel closer to one gender over the other and choose their vessel accordingly. I didn't have a preference."

"Why'd you pick a male then?" Dean wondered.

"It seemed more appropriate for my assignment."

"Rasing me from Hell," Dean guessed.

"No, working alongside you and protecting you. I was in my true form when I raised you from Perdition, that's how you have that," Cas said, gesturing to Dean's shoulder and he felt the handprint tingle slightly.

"Oh," Dean said simply. He fell silent again, deep in thought.

"What do you remember?" Dean asked suddenly.

"I remember everything, I have all my angel knowledge," Cas answered, missing Dean's actual intended question.

"No, I mean about being killed and coming back," Dean clarified.

"Oh," Cas said quietly. "I was with Chuck then Raphael came. He wanted to know where you were, but I refused to tell him. He threatened to kill me and I still refused. He didn't ask again. I know I was dead, I was back in Heaven and the next thing I remember I woke up in your hotel room like this."

"Who do you think did it?"

"God," Cas answered plainly.

"Why?" Dean asked, not really convinced. God hadn't given a shit about the angels trying to jump start the Apocalypse, why would he bring Cas back, and human at that?

"I have no idea," Cas answered honestly.

"And why human? And why put you in our room?"

"I really don't know that either. The only knowledge I have of angels becoming human was by their own doing, they chose to fall, like Anna," Cas said, in answer to the first question. "Because we're bound to each other. You were my charge, we have a connection that remained after my transition."

Cas explained all this as if she were talking about the weather, no indicated feeling on the matter one way or the other. Dean listened closely and had to suppress his reaction to the latter part of the former angel's explanation.

_We're __**bound **__to each other? What the fuck does that mean? A connection? Is he being literal like always? Is that why I knew it was him in the hotel room? _

"What are you thinking?" Cas asked, bringing Dean out of his thoughts.

"Huh, I uh, that connection you were talking about, it wasn't a figure of speech, was it?"

"No, it's physical."

Dean looked at her uneasy. This conversation was getting deeper than he liked. Luckily Cas didn't notice, it was just business as usual. Maybe Dean was over reacting, maybe it was just business as usual. The way Cas described them sounded like a couple in _human_ speak, but Cas wasn't human, or didn't used to be anyway. Cas was just being literal. They were connected because he was Cas' charge as an angel and they were bound because of this damn handprint, nothing more.

"Is that why I could _feel _that it was you in the hotel?" Dean questioned nervously.

"You could what?" Cas asked, looking over at Dean in genuine surprise. The look took Dean aback. The majority of the time Cas looked generally indifferent or uninterested. If something provoked a facial expression, it was usually something that was a big deal.

"When we walked in and Sammy pulled the gun on you," Dean started to explain, as if this was already common knowledge. "I told 'em to stop because it was you. You know that."

Cas looked deep in thought for a minute, trying to remember. It came back to her. During the excitement of all their questions it had slipped her mind to even ask him how he knew who she was. She frowned at the inconvenience of a human memory, this wouldn't have happened if she were still an angel.

"I meant to ask you about that. How did you know?"

"I uh, I felt it," Dean answered awkwardly. Cas eyed him curiously. "What? You said we have a connection and we're bound or whatever," Dean defended. "Why do you look so surprised?"

"Yes, that's true, but it's not supposed to have any effect on _you_," Cas said, emphasizing the last word. "The connection is on the side of the angel, it's there to help with our assignment, so we're more aware of our charge. As far as I know it's never been reciprocated on the humans end."

"Awesome," Dean said sarcastically. "Always nice to be first at something, especially some freaky Heaven shit."

"I'm sure it was just a one time thing," Cas offered. "God had a reason for putting me back with you and he needed to make sure you would know me."

Dean looked straight ahead and didn't say anything. That theory was all well and good if this was in fact, a _one time thing_, it wasn't. Dean had the same reaction to Cas while in Jimmy's vessel a number of times. He always brushed it off as some 'angel crap' Cas was doing and never brought it up, but since the same thing had happened with Cas while human, Dean figured it must have been him all along.

"What is it?" Cas asked. "You appear uncomfortable."

"Nothing, I'm fine. Let's just stow the touchy feely talk, ok?"

They drove the rest of the way in silence. Dean knew he'd eventually crack and tell Cas this 'connection' thing had been happening since they met, but not now. It was the frigging Apocalypse, there were more important things to do than talk about why he had this weird bond thing going on with an, now former, angel of the lord.

They pulled into a parking spot in front of a large department store and exchanged semi worried looks. It was clear this was something neither was looking forward to. Once inside the store Dean started to have the urge to escape within five minutes. He didn't even really like shopping for himself, he certainly didn't want to shop for a girl. But he had to suck it up because in this strange situation he was actually the one with more know how on what chicks needed.

"Well, uh. let's get you some clothes first. You look kinda ridiculous in my stuff."

"I thought you said 'it's sexy when hot chicks wear my clothes'," Cas said, quoting Dean from the night before.

"I...I did," Dean said, coughing nervously. He'd said that in response to Cas noting 'these are men's clothes' without even thinking. Sam gave him a well deserved 'what the hell' look and Dean quickly changed the subject. "But, uh, it's not something to do in public."

Cas just nodded, excepting this reasoning. It went in the file of 'human logic' that she started while an angel. They did so many things that seemed unnecessary. Dean would try to explain the why of things sometimes, but mostly he just shrugged and said it was 'human law dude'.

"Can I help you with something?" Asked a young sales girl.

"Um, she needs some clothes," Dean said, stating the obvious. "But I have no clue what size she is." The sales girl gave him an odd look and Dean scrambled to cover up. "She, uh, just got released from the hospital. Car accident, temporarily amnesia."

The girl didn't look completely convinced but Dean pulled out one of his most charming smiles that no girl could question and Cas just nodded.

"She looks to be about a 2," the girl said, after looking Cas over. "You'll want to stay in this section over here," she said, leading them to where she was referring to. "Do you need anymore help?" She asked, clearly directed at Dean.

"We're fine," Cas answered shortly.

"We should be able to handle it from here," Dean said with a small smile. "Thank you for the help."

"You're welcome. If you need me, I'll be around this department," she said, again directly solely at Dean.

"I didn't like her,"Cas said after a few seconds.

"She's just doing her job Cas," Dean said, giving Cas a curious look.

"She seemed more like she was trying to mate to me."

Dean let out a hearty laugh and Cas just looked at him, not seeing the humor in the statement just conveyed. They started looking through the rack trying to find Cas's girl style.

"How about this?" Cas asked.

"What?" Dean asked in shock, looking at what she'd picked. "Why would you pick this?"

"Dean, this is typical to the clothing worn by females in your company," Cas said, looking over the clothing.

"Keep looking," Dean said, taking it from her.

Cas had chosen a dress that was far to high on the thigh and low on the chest to be worn anywhere other than a night club or a strip club...probably mostly the latter. Cas was right, it _was_ what women Dean interacted with wore and not that he judged them, Dean liked loose women...hell he depended on them, but for some reason the thought of Cas dressing like that left his stomach feeling uneasy. Not that the female body Cas landed in couldn't pull off the outfit, but Dean didn't want to dwell on that thought.

An hour, and most of Dean's patients, later they were done shopping. If Dean thought picking out the clothes was awkward, that was nothing compared to when they got to the 'personal care' supplies part of the trip. Dean had been killing things most people would never even know exist since he was a kid, but when it came to walking up to a check out line and paying for feminine hygiene products he was scared.

"Lucy, we're home," Dean called, as he walked into the hotel room.

"Who's Lucy?" Cas asked, stepping in after him.

"She's a...never mind."

"Did you have fun?" Sam asked. The question was guienne for Cas, but he sent a smirk to his brother.

"It was tedious. I hope that won't be necessary again any time soon," Cas said, making a disgruntled face.

"So, uh what did ya get?"

Cas gestured to what she was wearing then emptied the contents of her bag on one of the beds. Sam looked at it all and rolled his eyes at Dean.

"What?" Dean asked, opening a beer.

"Dude, you were supposed to let _Cas _go shopping."

"How the hell do you think she got those?"

"You dressed her like a girl you," Sam said, folding his arms.

"Hey, Cas picked everything out herself," Dean defended.

"Right," Sam said sarcastically. "Black steel toed boots, jeans, thermals, T-shirts and plaid. And you had _nothing _to do with it."

"She uh, asked my opinion, but she totally picked the stuff out."

"These clothes will be suitable for my activities," Cas chimed in.

"Your activities?" Sam and Dean questioned at the same time.

"Hunting," Cas answered, as if it was completely obvious.

"Whoa, whoa, you are NOT going hunting," Dean said.

"Of course I am," Cas said.

"Cas you, uh, it's too dangerous. You can get hurt," Sam said.

"I was an angel for thousands of years. I know every battle technique in existence."

"Yeah well, knowledge _isn't _power," Dean said, stepping around Cas and grabbing her from behind. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, pinning hers to her sides, and locked her in place. Then he moved his legs, linking her ankles behind his.

"Dean!" Sam exclaimed.

"Dean, what are you doing?" Cas asked confused, as she tried to move.

"I'm proving a point Cas, try to get free."

Castiel struggled as best she could, but Dean was far too strong. She persisted for a few minutes before finally giving up with a loud sigh and requesting Dean to release her. He did and she turned around and gave him a look as if to smite him. He just smirked and said that was _why _she wasn't going hunting.

A few hours later they were all eating the dinner Sam had gone out to get. Everyone got a cheeseburger and Sam brought back pie for Dean and Cas, but he insisted she eat half of his salad. Dean's side food item was chili fries. Sam gave him a judging look but it was too late to teach his brother good eating habits, Cas he still had a chance with. Cas had been giving Dean the silent treatment since his little stunt. Her ego was a little bruised if she were being honest. Thousands of years as a powerful being, a warrior of Heaven, and now she was just a defenseless girl.

Dean looked at Cas with amusement as she picked at her salad, clearly not enjoying it. She caught him watching her and sent him a glare. He frowned at that. He'd had an uneasy feeling all afternoon since Cas had cut him off. He thought back to the first time he'd pissed Cas off while an angel. Cas had threatened him and demanded respect, in all honesty it kinda scared the shit out of Dean. After that he tried his best not to piss the angel off. Somewhere along the line it had become less about self preservation and more just something he wanted. He didn't know why he gave a shit, but for some reason Dean didn't like when Cas was angry with him.

"Chilli fry," Dean offered, pushing the container closer to Cas.

"Dean," Sam sighed frustrated.

"What? A couple won't hurt," Dean defended. He looked over at Cas expectantly. First she kept the glare but he gave her one of his pleading puppy dog looks and she gave in and picked up a fry.

Cas put the fry in her mouth and chewed it slowly. Any amount of anger she had left toward Dean quickly disappeared once the taste of the greasy, salty, treat struck her taste buds.

"That's amazing," Cas said, with the same excited smile she'd displayed earlier that morning about the pie.

They spent the next two days at that hotel doing research practically non-stop, well Sam and Bobby did anyway. Dean used 'teaching Cas human crap' as an excuse to get out of as much as possible. In his defense, he was way more of a doer than a thinker. Let the brainy twins deal with finding out the info, he'd be right there to kick ass when they gave him a direction to go on. Plus, Cas **really **did need to be taught human crap. For a thousands of years old being Cas was pretty clueless at the people stuff. So the task actually did take up most of Dean's time, but sometimes he wished he'd just sucked it up and did the research, these times being when Cas asked questions that Dean deemed uncomfortable.

On the third day there was some action, action they could have done without. Dean slipped up, he went out to get food and didn't bring a hex bag with him. Zachariah didn't miss the chance to grab him.

"Son of a bitch!" Dean swore, as his feet touched the ground.

"I don't actually have a mother Dean," Zachariah said pompously.

"What the fuck do you want? I don't have time for your shit, I'm trying to stop the Apocalypse here."

"Anyone ever tell you your smart mouth is going to get you into trouble one day?"

"It already has, many times. Just the price I have to pay for my self amusement."

"Alright, bored now. You're going to stop being such a pain in my ass and accept your destiny."

"Nah, I don't want to be on your team. I'll take my destiny and go kill the devil myself."

"You think your destiny is to kill the devil?" Zachariah laughed self righteously. "No insignificant human is going to bring Lucifer down, especially not a sorry excuse for one such as yourself."

"What the hell was all that crap in the green room about me stopping all this then?" Dean asked confused.

"Your part is vital Dean, your Michael's vessel and Michael will kill Lucifer."

"Michael needs a vessel? Wait," Dean said as realization hit. "There's a reason your telling me all this and not making me do it. Michael needs my permission."

"Yes, as does Lucifer. Well, aren't you so smart all of the sudden. He is an angel, them's the rules."

"I think I'll take my chances," Dean said stubbornly.

"You speak as if you have a choice maggot!" Zachariah snapped. "I may not be able to actually do real damage to you and Sam but there are other people I think you'd be upset over that I _can._

"What does Sam have to do with this?"

"Why do you think that little whore Ruby took such an interest in your brother? She was part of all of this. It's far beneath our standards to consort with demons but eh, desperate times and all that jazz. She's loyal to Lucifer, she wanted him free. We _needed _him free for the big show down."

"Oh yay you," Dean said sarcastically. "Your demon flunkie got Sam to break the final seal."

"Now ask me _why _it was Sam who we had do it."

"Why?" Dean asked cautiously.

"Because your for Michael and Sam's for Lucifer."

"Sam," Dean said with worry. "Well you can shove your destiny up your ass. Sam isn't gonna say yes any more than I am."

"It'll be better, the world will be better, after this is over Dean. It'll be better for _you_. No more guilt, pain. No more worrying about everyone else. And you'll get your baby brother back good as new, improved even. You'll be back with your parents. It will be Heaven on earth."

"It'll be bullshit. I already gave my speech on this to someone who actually matters so I'm not going to waste it on you, but to sum up, I'd rather have _this _world, fucked up as it is."

"What do you think Cas would say?"

_Fuck, does he know? If God brought Cas back why would he let this douche in on it when he was half responsible for killing em to begin with?_

"Cas wouldn't say anything, he's dead," Dean said, trying to keep his tone and expression neutral.

"Cas isn't only alive and well, _he _isn't actually a _he _at all anymore, now is she?"

"You," Dean said in horror. "It wasn't God, it was you."

"You're welcome. I know how hard you took the death, sorry you had to go through such a traumatic event."

"Fuck you," Dean said through gritted teeth. "Cas would fully agree with me, it's what got him killed in the first place."

"You're not asking me why Dean, that hurts my feelings. I do this major favor for you and you won't even give me the opportunity to fish for a little gratitude."

"I don't give a shit why, thanks though," Dean said cockily.

"Cas is going to be the reason you say yes, I've seen it."

"Lying bastard," Dean said, shaking his head. "Cas would never ask me to say yes."

"She isn't going to _ask _you anything," Zachariah said with a sinister smile.

"Then what the fuck are you talking about?" Dean asked annoyed.

"Nope, that's enough, lesson's over for today. All in due time my boy."

Before Dean could even open his mouth Zachariah snapped his fingers and Dean was zapped back to the exact spot he'd been taken from.

_Fucking angels! Christ, how am I gonna tell Cas God didn't bring her back? She thinks he's finally stepping up. I'm gonna kill the spirt of the one person in the group that still has hope, might as well tell her santa ain't real either. She hasn't been human long enough to be cynical like the rest of us._

Dean made his way back to the hotel and filled everyone in on what happened during his little trip. He kept an eye on Cas the whole time he talked but she wasn't giving anything away, stoic as always. Sam took the news of being Lucifer's meat suit pretty well considering. He just threw some of his self righteous indignation out there, that he was so good at and declared 'Lucifer can bite me' because he was never going to say yes.

The only thing Cas said when Dean was finished was that they needed more protection than a few hex bags. She drew up a symbol that would hide them from angels and said they needed to be marked with it as soon as possible. They made their way to the nearest tattoo parlor while Bobby held down the fort. The brothers got the new symbol inked on their backs, just below their right shoulder. When they were finished Dean looked at Cas and said it was her turn, anti possession ink too.

Cas wasn't too pleased with the idea but Dean was right, it was just as important that she got the ink as it was for them to get it. Zachariah wouldn't be able to see the Winchesters, so fucking with her would be his next choice. She decided to get one on each side of her stomach, just above her hip bones. She figured that was the location where they were the least likely to be seen.

By the forth day they were pretty spent. Normal hunts were still popping up on the radar, but for whatever reason, Lucifer seemed to be staying quiet. It was brought up that they just go hunt like usual and Bobby would keep his ear to the ground trying to find out any Apocalypse stuff. At first Dean jumped at the idea. He was itching to kill something and take out some of his pent up aggression, but then a thought, Cas, occurred to him. What the hell were they going to do with her?

"We can't just leave her stuck in whatever dingy hotel were staying at all day Dean," Sam said impatiently. They were already fifteen minutes into this argument and were just going around in circles.

"Well, she ain't coming with us to watch, so what the hell do you suggest?" Dean snapped.

"I wouldn't just watch," Cas said offended.

"Cas, no," Dean said, knowing exactly where she was going with this. She had stopped being angry with him, much to Dean's relief, but she hadn't dropped the idea of hunting.

"I'm gonna be holed up at mine for the time being. There's plenty of room and you know it's like a fortress. I can watch Cas," Bobby offered.

"That's a great idea Bobby," Sam said. "With all the angel memory still intact she should be a lot better at this research than I am."

Cas glared at first, offended by the offer to be _watched_ like she needed babysitting. Then a general feeling of uncomfort started to creep up on her. She didn't want to leave Dean. She wondered nervously if he would go along with this. She looked over at him, he was leaning against the counter with his arms folded. He had his head down so she couldn't see his face. Sam spoke to him, bringing him out of whatever thoughts he'd been having. He lifted his head and locked eyes with Cas. She tilted her head in confusion to his expression. He looked like he was conflicted with a few different emotions; worry, guilt and stubbornness, being the ones she picked up. Then she was brought out of her own thoughts and realized they were arguing again.

"I said no," Dean said in his 'this conversation is fucking over' voice. Sam, of course, wasn't having it.

"You can't just _say no_, not unless you have a better idea, which you don't because this is the best option. That, and you won't even say why you're saying no."

"I can and I just DID say no," Dean said, sending his brother a glare. "I'm not leaving Cas."

And that's why it was over two weeks later and they were all at Bobby's house. Other than when they slept or showered or otherwise used the bathroom Dean and Cas were practically attached at the hip. Dean insisted on watching over her like a hawk and Cas seemed pretty content with letting him. She had almost constant questions and she seemed most comfortable with asking Dean, so having him around almost 24/7 was convenient.

The whole protective thing Sam understood, that was his brother's way. He'd spent his whole life doing it for complete strangers so it wasn't surprising when he took it to a whole different, some would say obsessive, level with Castiel. What he didn't quite understand was how Dean was acting. He was, for all intensive purposes, acting _normal._

Dean seemed to be going about like the freaking Apocalypse wasn't happening. Sure, he asked Sam and Bobby for status updates and, extremely reluctantly, offered to help, but otherwise he was going about as if nothing was wrong. And he wasn't acting normal for their standards, that Sam would understand, he was acting _apple pie life _normal.

Since they'd gotten to Bobby's Dean had taken a rather 'show demo' approach to teaching Cas how to be human. He couldn't just **tell** her about 'Die Hard' and all it's sequels, he had to have her watch them all. He didn't just **explain **why jumping in a huge pile of leaves was fun, (they'd seen it on TV and Cas questioned it) he raked up a gigantic pile and dove into it with her. He refused to **suggest **which candy was best when they were picking stuff out for a planned movie night, he had her get all the ones she deemed _interesting..._which led to buying at least one of EVERYTHING on the candy isle for her to try.

Perhaps the strangest thing is what Sam currently walked in on. He did a double take just to make sure he wasn't hallucinating, then stayed quiet to observe like it was some kind of fascinating science experiment unfolding in front of his eyes...which, it sort of was to him.

"Damn, these are screwed," Dean laughed, as he picked up a cookie and looked at it.

"What did we do wrong?" Cas asked, furrowed brow, staring at the cookie she'd picked up from the tray intently, as if it were going to answer her.

"Hell if I know," Dean shrugged. "We followed the directions."

"I find the pre-purchased baked goods much more agreeable," Cas said, with this semi new half pout half annoyed look she'd picked up since going human.

"But then ya don't get to do this," Dean said with a mouth full of cookie dough.

"You're supposed to cook it first," she said, giving him an odd look.

"Human law," Dean said and Cas accepted. That was the phrase Dean coined to explain anything Cas found illogical about something he was telling her. "Most baked goods taste just as good, if not better, before they're cooked."

Cas looked at him insure, but considering it. The dough certainly did _smell _good, it probably tasted good as well. Before she had a chance to fully decide Dean scooped some dough up with his finger and put it to her mouth.

"Try," he urged, when she just looked at it.

Keeping eye contact, she leaned closer, opened her mouth and tentatively took Dean's finger in her mouth, sucking it gently. The act was completely innocent on her part, but it made Dean quickly realize baking was NOT a good idea. He watched what she did fully mesmerized. Ten different thoughts shot through his head, all of them dirty. It only lasted about two seconds, but it was enough to drive him insane. He didn't know _why _exactly, cuz it was **so **innocent, but that was easily one of the most erotic things he'd watched. He looked down at his now empty finger for a few seconds, words completely escaping his mouth.

_Jesus fucking Christ Dean! Pull your shit together dude. I know it's been awhile, but now is not the time for Dean Jr to start acting out. Being half hard while baking cookies is not normal. And this is __**Cas**__, what the hell are you doing? _

Dean turned toward the counter awkwardly so his little, about to become bigger, problem wasn't noticed. To add insult to injury for the poor guy, Sam took that moment to make his presence known by loudly clearing his throat and fully walking into the room. Cas, completely oblivious to Dean's dilemma, turned to greet him.

"Hello Sam."

"What the hell are you doing?" Sam asked.

For a brief second Dean's worried Sam somehow knew exactly what he was thinking and was about to give him some long drawn out lecture about it, but then he looked to the baking stuff and figured, prayed, that was what he was talking about. Who would of thought, Dean baking _wasn't _the strangest thing happening in the room. No, Dean had to one-up even his own weird behavior and have all these sexual thoughts about his angel, ex angel, of the lord buddy.

"We're attempting to bake cookies. Our efforts seem to be rather futile," Cas explained, looking at Sam as if he were a stupid child asking an obvious question even their young brain should know.

"I see that Cas, I was talking to Dean."

"We're baking cookies," Dean said, turning around, downstairs Dean back under control. "What the hell does it look like?"

"_Why_?" Sam asked incredulously. And in all fairness, it was a completely legit question.

"Cas asked how to make em," Dean shrugged.

This was really explanation enough by now. Anything Cas asked about Dean did his best to teach. They had been out picking up a few things at the local mom and pop grocery store and Dean grabbed a bag of chocolate chip cookies and put them in the cart. Cas picked them up and studied them. Then after a few minutes she asked how they were made. Dean took to his 'show demo' way of teaching, put back the bag of cookies, and went in search of getting baking supplies.

Sam made a definitive decision to not bring up the 'feeding' incident he'd witnessed. He'd already seen a few things between his brother and the former anger, and recently female, that made him feel a little uncomfortable. He knew Dean was impulsive, and a big pervert, but he wasn't _completely _reckless. No way he'd cross the line with Cas just to get laid. Sam figured any day now Dean was just going to have to take off to some bar within a fifty mile radius, get laid, and be good to go. It'd just been awhile, Sam justified...denial may be less with the younger Winchester but he still was a Winchester.

"Dean, stop stalling," Cas said impatiently, standing by the back door.

"I'm not stalling, I'm just thirsty," Dean said, leaning against the kitchen counter and opening a beer.

"You agreed to do this."

"And I will."

"I can do it if you want," Sam offered.

"No, I got it. Let's go," Dean said, making his way to the door.

Cas looked over at Sam who winked at her and she gave him a knowing smirk. Sam knew there was no way Dean would let him train Cas but he was helping his, former angel, friend lessen her wait.

"Don't get too happy, I'm just teaching you some basics," Dean said to Cas, misinterpreting her look.

"Sure Dean."

Dean had reluctantly agreed to teach Cas some basic moves after she brought up some consequences of being defenseless. She'd exhausted herself trying to talk him into letting her hunt or even teach her how to fight. He said she didn't need to learn to hunt because she was never going to hunt and she didn't need to know how to fight because she wouldn't need to. Cas argued that something could attack her and he said it was fine, he was there to protect her. When she countered with 'what if you're not around' Dean lost the argument. He had an uneasy feeling just thinking about Cas unprotected and in danger so he caved. He agreed to teach her enough to defend herself but only enough to get away or for him or Sam to be there.

A few days later they were still at Bobby's and Sam was going stir crazy. He'd been checking the papers and on-line news daily, reading about all the possible cases they were _not _working on. This is what he was doing when Cas and Dean walked through the back door after one of their training sessions. They both looked tired and somewhat sweaty, it was unseasonably hot for such an early day in June.

Dean went over to the refrigerator and got a beer for him and a bottle of water for Cas. They nodded to each other and had one of their little unspoken conversations that, though he didn't know why, kinda annoyed Sam. It was a little strange how in sync they had become in such a short time.

"You go ahead and take the first shower," Dean said, as he sat down at the kitchen table across from Sam.

"How'd she do?" Sam asked after Cas left the room.

"Great. Cas is a natural, another week and she'll be able to kick your ass," Dean smirked, then took a swig of his beer.

"So, you think she could handle herself then?"

"Sam," Dean warned, knowing exactly where his brother was going with this. "She is NOT going hunting."

"I asked if she could handle herself," Sam challenged.

"She could," Dean answered reluctantly.

"She wants to hunt Dean."

"No," Dean said firmly.

"You can't just say no, you're not the boss of her. She can live how she wants."

"She's been human five fucking minutes Sam, she doesn't know what she wants."

"Look man," Sam started in a calm even tone. "I don't wanna fight but I don't see how you can be so determined to keep one of our players benched. We're two outs, bottom of the ninth, all bases loaded, and down three runs here dude. It's the Apocalypse, all hands on deck."

"Cas isn't a player anymore," Dean said annoyed. "She's human, she got herself an 'I'm mortal' get out of jail free card."

"What then?" Sam asked frustrated. "You won't let her hunt, you refuse to leave her alone, we can't just sit at Bobby's and wait for Lucifer to come knock on the door Dean."

"I know, you're right," Dean admitted. "We gotta get back out there, we've been here too long already. We can go get her some more time."

That was when Sam realized it, what Dean had been doing, why he'd been acting so off since Cas came back, he was trying to give her a normal life, granted the cliff notes version. Cas had come back as a human and Dean was determined to show her as much of that life as he could. Sam didn't know how to respond to him, and to his luck he didn't have to, Cas walked back in the room.

Later that night when everyone was going to bed Dean decided it was time, time to let go. He knocked on the door frame and Cas nodded for him to come in. The knock was out of politeness rather than permission. Cas knew he would show, he'd taken to coming to her room to say goodnight, mostly an excuse to check on her one last time, since they'd gotten to Bobby's.

"You did good today," Dean said as he sat on the bed next to Cas.

"Thank you."

_Now or never Dean, just do it._

"We uh, we're gonna go on the road again tomorrow...me and Sam."

"You're leaving me here?" Cas asked sounding hurt.

"No," Dean said quietly. "You're human now Cas, you're gonna go be human."

"I don't understand."

"You're gonna pick where you wanna go, Sam's gonna get you the paper work you need and we're gonna get you a plane ticket."

"You don't want me around anymore," Cas said softly.

"Cas no, that's not why," Dean defended. "You don't have to fight anymore. For whatever reason you're back as human, you deserve to live like one for as long as you can. It's probably not gonna be that much longer but me and Sam'll try to buy you some time."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Whatever you want. Freewill, that's about all we got," Dean said, trying to sound optimistic, while inside he was anything but.

"I want to stay with you," Cas said, giving Dean an intent look.

"No you don't," Dean said with a sarcastic laugh. "You just don't know how much all this sucks cause you haven't been around anything else."

"I know I'm just a burden now but I want to go with you," Cas said sadly.

"Cas, you're not a burden," Dean started.

"I am. I used to be a powerful angel and now I'm just a weak girl. I know I'm being selfish but I need to stay with you."

Dean had to bite his tongue to keep himself from laughing. Cas thought _she _was being selfish when what Dean was thinking about doing was the most selfish thing he'd ever done. He knew the best thing for Cas was to let her go but his resolve was weakening with every word she said to him.

"I'm just trying to let you have a life Cas, what little you can."

"This is my life Dean. You were my charge, it was my duty to keep you safe. I know I can't protect you anymore but if this is truly the Apocalypse I need to be with you till the end. I can't abandon you."

_Don't do it Dean. Fuck, you're gonna earn your trip to Hell this time asshole._

"You really want to stay, be a hunter?" Dean asked, hoping she'd say no, while hoping just as much that she'd say yes.

"You'd let me hunt?" Cas asked hopefully.

"No, that's just it, I can't _let _you do anything. It's your life Cas, you decide what to do with it. I've been telling you about freewill since we met, it's time for me to get out of the way of yours."

"I want to stay, I want to hunt with you and Sam," Cas said, sure of herself.

"Alright then. Get some sleep cause we're outta here in the morning," Dean said before standing up. "G'night Cas," he said from the doorway with a half hearted smile.

A couple days later they were in northern Colorado. If Cas was really going to hunt with them, which she still fully insisted she wanted to, she was going to have to learn more than how to fight, she needed to learn weapons. Dean had spent the entire drive from Bobby's house telling her, in detail, about everything in the trunk and more things that weren't. With her new fake ID Dean went Cas to get her her own gun. Sam and Dean would shoot a monster with any fire arm but they were a little sentimental when it came to their favorite hand guns.

"How about that one," Cas said, pointing to a 357 magnum.

"Cas no, that gun's bigger than you are."

"That gun is much smaller in capacity than I am Dean," Cas said, giving him a strange look.

"Pick another one please," Dean said, trying to keep his patients.

After a good half an hour Cas picked one that Dean approved of. It was a Smith and Wesson model 4006, .45 caliber, eleven round capacity. Dean drove around for awhile before he felt he was far enough 'in the middle of nowhere' for gun shots. They walked to a remote spot in the woods and found a clearing. Dean set up six empty beer bottles for target practice.

"Go ahead," Dean said, gesturing to the bottles and standing off to the side of Cas.

"What if I miss?" Cas asked, holding the gun at her side awkwardly.

"You're totally gonna miss," Dean said with a laugh. "That's why those are beer bottles and not demons, practice sweetheart."

Cas glared at Dean, who quickly wiped the smirk off of his face. "The bullets may hit something in the woods, an animal."

"You're worried about shooting Thumper?" Dean asked, amused.

"I do not understand that reference Dean," Cas said sternly. "I am worried."

"You uh, you do plan on shooting demons right?" Dean asked unsure.

"Of course."

"You forget what those demons are riding around in?"

"Killing a human because they had the misfortune of becoming possessed by a servant of Hell and harming an innocent creature for _practice _are two different things," Cas said, with all the same self righteous superiority as when she was still an angel.

"Look Cas," Dean said in a semi comforting, for him, tone. "The odds of you hitting Bambi are about as high as you hitting all those bottles, so don't worry."

Cas looked over at the bottles then down at the gun in her hand. Dean's word was as much convincing as she needed. She raised the gun, aimed and fired six shots, hitting all six bottles. She may be human now but obviously she wasn't a typical one. She gave Dean and annoyed 'I told you so' look and he just stared at where the bottles had just been standing, in shock.

"Well I uh," Dean said, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. "I guess practice is over."

Cas took to hunting like a fish to water. After a few weeks she was fully immersed in Sam and Dean's usual routine. In a way she was somewhat better at it because she loved it so much. She thought it was one big adventure. Being on the road for hours, even days, at a time was a chance for her to see the country through human eyes. All the shitty hotel rooms were a change of scenery. The crappy truck stop food was good to her, she even challenged Dean with the amount of junk food she could consume. She'd become so good at playing poker and hustling pool and darts that she could _almost _beat Dean and actually had beaten Sam a couple times. When it came to the actual hunt Dean was still a little nervous about putting her out there, but she was so quick on the defense that whatever they were fighting hardly ever even touched her. And when it came to offense, she may look like a small chick but that right hook of hers packed some muscle behind it. Dean found that out the hard way when during one of their training sessions he told her to 'punch me as hard as you can' in the face. His jaw hurt and had a big bruise on it for a week. Plus she wielded knives just as natural as she had her gun that first time.

As quick of a learner as Cas was at whatever Dean taught her, she still felt more angel than human. When she got frustrated with one of her mortal limitations Dean would try to make her feel better. Not that it was all that helpful but he had to try. He usually told her crap like, 'it takes time' or 'you'll get used to it' which made him feel like an asshole. He hated giving her such over simplified cliche's when the situation was anything but simple. He just didn't know anything better to say. Cas was an angel for...well Dean had no idea how long actually, but he knew it was awhile. It was gonna take more than a few weeks and a high school drop out showing her the ropes to get her used to being mortal.

The final nail in her 'your not an almost indestructible warrior of Heaven anymore' coffin was the first time she got sick. That was when realization that she was _truly _mortal, and there was no getting out of it, really sunk in.

"Dean," Cas whispered as she jostled Dean's shoulder to wake him.

"Cas?" Dean asked, not fully on the conscious side of functioning yet. "Cas, are you ok?" Dean said getting concerned, as he propped himself up on his elbow.

"No, something is wrong with me. I'm malfunctioning." Dean gave her an odd look at that, but didn't interrupt. "My head and body ache, I'm getting fits of being cold despite the proper room temperature, my throat feels raw, and I'm making this unpleasant sound." Right on cue, Cas had a small coughing fit.

Dean reached out to feel her forehead with the palm of his hand. She gave him a bewildered look but didn't move away.

"Ah fuck, you're burning up," he said, then began to get out of bed.

"I'm quite cold," she disagreed.

"You only _feel _cold," he corrected. "Here, lay down," he said, guiding her down onto the bed then covered her up with the comforter. She didn't protest but she was as confused as ever. "I'll be right back."

Dean went to the bathroom and got some water then rustled through his toiletry bag looking for the Tylenol. On his way back he stopped at the closet and took out an extra blanket and pillow.

He set the pills and water on the nightstand and motioned for her to sit up, then put the pillow under her head and covered her with the extra blanket.

"Take these," he said, after taking two pills out of the bottle. She took them in her hand and looked at them for a few seconds then at Dean. "It's not heroine, just take them please," he said, then handed her the glass of water. She didn't say anything and just took them. Then she looked back to Dean for answers. "You're not _malfunctioning_," he started to explain. "Well, uh, actually you kinda are, but not how you think. This is normal."

"Normal?" She questioned in distaste. "I feel I may be dying."

"Yeah well, that's normal too. You're gonna wish you were dead a few times but it'll be better in a few days. You have the flu, another shitty unavoidable human thing."

"Days," Cas repeated with horror. Then to pour salt in her wound, she started to cough again. Dean handed her back the glass of water.

"Good thing he sleeps like _he's _dead," Dean said after taking a glance back behind him at his brother. "Cas, I ain't gonna lie to ya, it's gonna suck ass. Just bunker down under the blankets and pray you mostly sleep through it," Dean said without thinking and she glared at him. "I-uh," he said, scratching the back of his head nervously. "Sorry Cas, it's just a dumb human expression."

"You humans prayed for frivolous things you would never be granted even when he was still listening. Now you're all just talking to yourselves," Cas said, crunching her nose making a displeased look.

"Are you gonna get all philosophical on me or are you just a grumpy sick?"

"I am not grumpy," she said annoyed.

"The latter it is. Ok sunshine, try to get some sleep. The more you rest, the quicker you get better."

"You're lying," she said, giving him a suspicious look.

"Dammit," Dean swore under his breath. "Fine Ms. Literal, I am," he admitted. "It's just crap you tell sick people to placate them."

"I do not wish to be pacified with misinformation," she said with all of the air of authority she relayed as an angel.

"You're gonna be tons of fun the next couple of days," he said, more to himself than her. "Cas, gimme a break will ya? I ain't nurse Rachet but I ain't exactly Mother Teresa either." Then he gave her a sincere look. "I'll do what I can to make it suck less, I promise." Then in typical Dean Winchester fashion, he diverted the touchy feely crap and put on a cheeky grin. "I'm your house boy, right here at your beck and call."

"Thank you Dean."

Cas got over her first illness in, luckily for both her _and _Dean, two days. A couple days later she took it upon herself to have another human first.

"I got you cheese fries," Dean said as he walked through the hotel room door. "Where's Sam?" He asked, putting the bags of food down.

"He's out," Cas answered simply.

"Thanks for the play-by-play capitan information."

"Your welcome."

_Man, she is just never going to grasp sarcasm, is she?_

"What are you doing?" Dean asked, walking over to the bed.

"I'm watching the clouds," Cas said.

"Cas, you can't see the clouds, it's night time...and you're inside," Dean said, tilting his head questioningly at her.

Cas was lying on the bed, the bottoms of her feet pressed against the mattress with her knees pointed toward the ceiling and her hands folded, resting on her stomach. Dean sat down on the edge of the bed beside her.

"I can see them," Cas pouted, sounding like a petulant ten year old.

Dean just looked at her, unsure of what to say. Then he looked at the bedside table and noticed the half drank bottle of Jack and wondered if he had opened it.

"Are you drunk?" Dean asked with surprise.

"No," Cas denied, then let out a school girl giggle.

"How much of this did you drink?" Dean asked, picking up the bottle.

"Whatever is not left in there."

"What the hell Cas?"

"It's so quiet Dean. I can't hear anything," Cas said, then quickly sat up on the bed on her knees, much in Dean's personal space.

"It's late Cas, people are sleeping."

"That's not who I mean," Cas said quietly.

Dean looked at her sympathetically. He knew who she meant, the other angels. Cas had spent thousands of years being able to hear the other angels in her head and now there was nothing but her own thoughts. He didn't know what to say, there was nothing _to _say, there was nothing he could do to change it.

"What are you thinking now? Tell me, please," Cas pleaded.

"I'm not thinking anything."

"Anything, please Dean. It's so quiet."

"I don't know how to help you."

"Just tell me something, it'll help."

"That _is_ what I'm thinking. I know how hard all this must be for you but I don't know what to do for you."

"You do help me," she said, settling down and sitting on the heels of her feet.

"I teach you stupid human crap that you shouldn't even have to deal with. Nothing I do will ever compare to your old life," he said, while looking down at the floor.

In a very human, innocent, gesture to comfort, she reached up to cup the side of his face with her hand. Dean closed his eyes at the feel of the touch. He'd never admit this out loud, but since Cas came back she had a very calming effect on him. The sound of her voice, what she said, her touch, especially her touch. Dean couldn't remember touching Cas that much as an angel. He had that personal space issue but they didn't actually come into contact all that many times. Since becoming human and learning 'people ways' she'd become more physically reactive with her communication, as well as facially expressive. Though her general state of stoicism often still prevailed, old habits died hard.

"It doesn't have to compare, it's better," she said softly.

"Better?" He questioned incredulously, turning to face her. "How can a human life, a crappy one at that, possibly be better than being an angel?"

"For all the reasons Anna told you and you Dean, you make it better."

Dean looked at her unsure just how to respond. He knew Cas was telling the truth, she was always honest, sometimes a little too honest...and blunt, tact apparently, was an acquired skill. He found his attention wandering to her lips, again, fuck. This had been happening too much lately, he needed to get his shit together and stop it. He needed to pull together what little self control he had and get out of this situation now or he was going to do something stupid.

_Goddammit Dean, knock it the fuck off._

"You should get some sleep," he said, standing up from the bed. "You're not gonna be Suzie Sunshine in the morning...not that you ever are," he finished, with a half smile. Cas was NOT a morning person on the best of days. Adding a hangover to that fact was going to make her really fun. Dean cringed at the thought.

"Goodnight Dean," she said, then maneuvered her way under the covers.

"G'night Cas," Dean said quietly.

She fell asleep almost instantly. He stood there and watched her for a few minutes. He caught himself doing that a lot lately too, he was so screwed. She was just so peaceful when she slept, like she didn't have a care in the world. Dean was kind of jealous of that. What little sleep he did get was usually filled with nightmares of Hell or other fucked up shit that had happened in his life or the latest, Lucifer, in Sam's oversized meat suit.

_That's enough creeper. Go take a cold shower and finish that bottle of Jack. Sam better hope I'm passed out by the time he gets back or Ima kick his ass._

His resolve was lessening by the day. As a matter-of-fact he figured he deserved a fucking gold metal for the will power he showed already. How much longer was he supposed to be able to go on with out going for it? But as of now that little voice of reason in the back of his mind, the fucker, still stopped him. He couldn't, wouldn't, take advantage of Cas. There was no way he'd let his hormones win out this time. But it was Cas, could it even be _just _sex? He'd never known or been this involved with a chick before he fucked her, nor wanted to, in the past.

It was Cas's current fixation that was causing Dean's latest torment. Since becoming human she'd had countless questions and, for the most part, Dean didn't mind answering them.

"Why would you need flavored condoms?" Cas asked, as they waited in line.

"I told you what condoms were for," Dean answered in a low voice, hoping Cas would adopt the volume. He gave an apologetic smile to the little old lady in front of them who was giving Cas a dirty look.

"I know what they're _for _Dean, I asked why they'd be flavored," Cas said, picking up the same quieted tone.

"Uh, Cas, can we talk about this later?" Dean said, desperate to change the subject.

"Not to be discussed in public?" Cas guessed and Dean nodded his head in confirmation. That was what Dean told her when she brought up the types of things that got dirty looks from little old ladies.

Fifty or so miles down the road closer to their next job Cas thought it was later.

"Is it later now Dean?" Cas asked from the back seat.

"I guess," Dean said reluctantly, gripping the steering wheel tighter.

"So, why would you need flavored condoms?"

Cas' timing couldn't have been better. As she was talking Sam was taking a drink from his water bottle and spit water out all over the dashboard. Dean laughed to himself and shook his head. If he hadn't already known what Cas was going to ask he probably would have had a similar reaction. Then he gave Sam a firm look and told him to wipe off baby.

"Care to field this one Sammy?" Dean asked and Sam shook his head no. "Prude. Cas, you need flavored condoms for the same reason you need regular ones, sex."

"I don't understand why they would be flavored, humans only taste with their mouthes. Surely they don't eat them," Cas said confused.

"They don't _eat_ them," Dean said awkwardly. "But they do taste them. It's uh, called a blow job."

Dean looked at Cas in the review mirror, hoping she'd get it and this conversation would be over. She looked deep in thought as she usually did when Dean told her things without actually _telling_ her. After a few seconds it dawned on her.

"In the mouth," she said, scrunching her nose in distaste. "That can't be pleasant."

"Oh, it's _very _pleasant," Dean said with a smirk.

"I, uh, I think she meant for the girl dude," Sam said a little unsure. They both looked in the review mirror and Cas nodded in confirmation.

"Cas it's," Dean started then paused. "Well, actually I have no idea if it is or not."

"Then why would she do it?" Cas wondered.

"Cause guys like it," Dean shrugged.

"So, it doesn't matter what the girl likes then," Cas said, purely as an observation, not a judgment.

"No Cas, it matters what the girl likes too. It's uh, give and take," Sam tried to explain. "It's like trading goods for services. She does something he likes and he'll reciprocate."

_Great, leave it to Sammy to make getting head sound boring. I need out of this conversation. Getting a bonner right now would probably be awkward._

"So, the woman gives a blow job and in return the man gives her money or jewelery or something else of value."

"Good job Sammy, you taught her how to be a hooker," Dean said rolling his eyes and trying his best not to think about how hot she just was when she said blow job. "He means sexually, the guy will do something for her she likes sexually."

"Oh, I understand."

"Good. Now can we please change the subject?"

"Of course," Cas agreed then was silent for a few moments. "Do any other sex objects come in flavors?"

"Dammit," Dean sighed frustrated and Sam started laughing.

After a few interesting weeks, which involved dealing with the horseman War, an ancient woods God having an all you can eat buffet, and a little anti-Christ kid, who was actually kinda cool, they were taking a bit of a break. Which, in their world, meant they were on an old school monster of the week hunt.

They were driving down an isolated road surrounded by nothing but sand. They were following a lead on their latest case, strictly an information run. They were hunting a shifter who thought he'd picked a remote enough location to reek havoc in, but as under the radar as he was, it wasn't enough to stay hidden from the Winchesters.

Cas was sitting in the passenger seat with her head tilted toward the open window. She was singing and tapping her foot along to the beat, that was only in her head because the radio stopped getting a signal a few miles ago. Dean was white knuckling the steering wheel, trying not to go insane.

He looked over at her. She was wearing short cut off jean shorts and a fitted black tank top, her bra strap falling down her arm slightly. Dean's eyes traveled to her legs that were tacky against the warm leather seats. His eyes moved over her body up to her chest where she had a stream of sweat going from her neck down her bosom. He shook his head and tried to focus on the road.

Why the fuck did they take a case in the desert in the middle of July? Why did it have to be over a hundred fucking degrees outside? Why the fuck did Sam stay back at the hotel when he should be in the passenger seat being a buffer between him and his, getting out of control, attraction to his former angel buddy? Cause the fucking universe was against him, that's why. Someone out there had it in for a certain Dean Winchester and they were probably kicking back in their lazy boy and getting a good laugh right about now.

_I'm in Hell. I died and I'm in Hell again and this is their latest form of torture._

Her latest activity really wasn't helping matters. Why is she singing _this _song? Where the fuck did she even hear it? Dean had only heard it a handful of times and it only made things worse that one of those times he was in a hotel room with a hot blonde riding him and it was playing on the radio in the background. When Cas finished the next verse, Dean snapped.

_Oh I love, love, love, love  
What you do to my hips  
When you blow me outside  
And then suck me like this_

"Cas!" Dean snapped and Cas stopped singing. "Could you pick another song please," he said, softening his tone. Cas wasn't torturing him intentionally after all.

"Not to be sang in polite company?" Cas wondered.

"Yeah," Dean confirmed.

That was the term they'd used to get Cas to switch songs. Since becoming human Cas had taken an immediate liking to music. Due to some residual angel powers or whatever she was able to recall all the lyrics to a song after only hearing it once. She not only liked music, she liked to sing along. Back when she was in her 'meaning behind the lyrics' phase, that luckily Dean broke her of quickly, she heard AC/DC's _You Shook Me All Night Long_ for the first time and then started singing it to herself later that day while in line waiting for burgers. Dean tried to quiet her and she pulled one of her never ending whys. Dean told her the lyrics weren't appropriate and she said not to be sang in polite company and Dean nodded. Not that he gave a shit about being polite but Cas did. So from then on, which was only a few times, when she started to sing a more vulgar song out in public Dean would say that.

Dean sighed in relief when Cas started singing Eye of the Tiger, a nice tame song.

A few days later they were in between jobs and had a somewhat rare night off. They were somewhere in the middle of Montana, not exactly an ideal vacation spot but it had a bar, a local diner and a motel, all they needed.

Dean was leaning down closer to the pool table lining up his shot when he looked up to check on Cas and saw this douche bag, his immediate reaction to the guy, standing a little closer to Cas than necessary. Before logic caught up to him Dean was reacting. He stood up, dropped the pool stick on the table and started making his way over to Cas, ignoring Sam calling behind him.

"Fuck off," Dean growled, after making his way between the two.

"Whoa," the guy said, putting his hands up in a placating manner. "Sorry dude, didn't know she was spoken for."

"Let's go," Dean said, his back still to Cas.

Cas followed along with out question and he didn't turn around to look at her until after they'd gotten outside of the bar. He was mad, but he still hadn't reasoned out _why _he was mad and just how much of it he should lay on the people around him. What came out of Cas' mouth next probably tipped him over to the latter.

"That was rude," Cas said, sounding like a mother reprimanding her young child. "He was just talking."

"No Cas, _you_ were just talking, he was trying to get in your pants."

"I'm sure he wouldn't fit," Cas said, looking down at her well fitted, even on her, distressed jeans with a contemplative look.

"Dammit Cas, seriously?" Dean sighed frustrated. "Sex. He wanted to get laid."

"I don't doubt that he did," Cas shrugged. "Isn't that the reason you come to these places Dean?"

"Yeah but..." Dean started to try to justify then just got annoyed. "That's not the point. He just thinks you're a hot chick and was looking for a hook up."

"I am a hot chick Dean," Cas said matter-of-fact. There was no pride or ego behind what she said, she was merely stating what she'd come to know as the excepted opinion of her appearance since she became human. It made no difference to her one way or the other.

"Yeah, don't remind me," Dean said under his breath. "Look, I know all this human crap is still new to you but you have to learn to know when something isn't right."

"But a man seeking a woman in this type of establishment is a normal occurrence, I don't see what the problem is," Cas said indifferently.

"You don't see what the _problem _is," Dean repeated dramatically. "Oh, I'm so sorry, I should have helped the asshole out and thrown 'em a few pick up lines to use."

Without another word Dean turned around and started walking back to their hotel room. They were only staying a couple blocks away from the bar so there was no need to drive. Cas followed quietly. When they got to the room Dean fished the room key out of his pocket and opened the door. He went over to the fridge and got a beer then leaned against the counter and opened it. Cas leaned against the counter next to him, like usual, a little too much in his personal space. They'd talked about this when Cas was still an angel but it never quite stuck and now Dean just expected it.

"Are you angry with me?" Cas asked hesitantly.

"No," Dean answered shortly.

"But, you are angry."

"You picked up on that, huh? Your deduction skills are improving," Dean said sarcastically.

"Why?" Cas wondered.

"Who gives a shit," Dean said dismissively.

"I do."

"Fuck, you _really _gotta start picking up on some sarcasm Cas."

"I'm aware of your nature Dean. I still want to know why," Cas said firmly.

"I don't know, that guy pissed me off."

"He wasn't even speaking with you, he was talking to me," Cas said confused.

"Yeah, that's what pissed me off."

"What was wrong with that man?" Cas asked.

"Huh, what do you mean?" Dean asked confused.

"You saw something wrong and took me away. I need to know what was wrong with him so I can know for next time."

"There wasn't anything _wrong _with him," Dean shrugged. "I just don't want some guy talking to you like that," Dean admitted quietly.

"I don't understand."

"Fuck," Dean sighed. "I just don't wanna think about you hooking up with some random douche bag, ok?"

"You think I would have fornicated with him?" Cas asked with such a mixture of shock and horror that Dean couldn't help himself but to laugh.

"You're human now Cas, believe me, that idea won't seem so ridiculous to you sooner or later," Dean said with a laugh but a hint of sadness in his tone.

"Yes it will," Cas said, somewhat insulted.

Dean _really _didn't want to say what he was about to say, but he knew that damn little voice of reason in the back of his head wouldn't leave him alone until he did. Sex was one of the best parts about being human, he couldn't cock block Cas just because he was having this whole weird twelve year old boy crush on her.

"Cas, it's ok. Humans have certain...needs, you'll see," Dean said, a little awkwardly.

"I already have needs Dean, just not..." Cas rambled out before thinking. "I, uh, I mean..."

"Oh really? Any I can help ya out with?" Dean smirked. Cas looked at him like a deer caught in the head lights. "Relax, I'm just messing with you. Cas, it's normal for you to start wanting that kinda stuff from guys."

"I would never _want that kinda stuff_," she said, mimicking him sarcastically. Which Dean would have congratulated her on if what came out of her mouth next didn't catch him so off guard. "from any other person."

_Wait, __**other **__person, as in there's a person she wants that kinda stuff from now? Who the hell could she be thinking of like that? She only knows me, Sam and Bobby, she aint gonna go thinking that kinda shit about the random people she meets on cases for five minutes. Unless she means...oh shit._

Dean looked at Cas hesitantly. She avoided eye contact, something she never did, as human or angel, which only fueled the conclusion Dean had come to.

"Cas, look at me," Dean urged softly. Cas did as she was instructed, reluctantly. She never could deny anything Dean out right asked of her.

That was when it finally hit him, why he'd held back so long with Cas. He had feelings for Cas. Not just in an 'I'm loyal, I'll protect everyone I care about' way, but **actual** feelings, and they were a lot different then the family or best friend ones. He'd been trying to push away these feelings for weeks in his typical 'deny the problem and it'll go away' Dean Winchester way, but they were always there. They were why he hadn't hooked up with a chick from the bar in over a month, they were why he hadn't just fucked Cas already. He _couldn't _make a move on Cas _because _he had real feelings for her, yeah, he was _that _emotionally fucked up. And to be perfectly honest, just a little part of him was afraid that Cas may reject him if he had made a move. Now that Cas had broken the ice Dean was out of excuses why _not _to just go for it.

Dean brought his hand up and traced his fingers gently down her jawline, stopping at her chin. He grazed his thumb along her bottom lip, lightly pushing it down and parting her mouth slightly. He closed the small space between them so their bodies were touching. He could feel her heart beating against his chest, it was going a mile a minute. Her eyes were still fixed on his and he could see that she was nervous but still fully willing to see what Dean would do next.

"Relax," Dean said softly.

Almost as if she flipped a switch Cas started to calm down. She still looked a bit anxious, naturally, but her heart rate slowed down and she didn't look as freaked out. Her body language changed too and she loosened up. Dean ran his hand through her perpetually mussy long dark brown hair. His other hand cupped the small of her back, holding her close to him.

"Is this ok?" Dean asked in nearly a whisper, his lips barely an inch from hers.

Normally he'd never take things _this _slow with a girl and he sure as hell wouldn't _ask _permission before he kissed her, but this was Cas, everything was different.

"Uh-huh," she said, barely loud enough to hear.

Dean took her face between his hands and touched his lips to hers gently. The first kiss was chaste and lasted a only a few seconds but Dean thought it was amazing. For the record, Cas had nothing to compare it to, but so did she. Dean pulled away from her slowly and looked her in the eyes.

_Huh, maybe there is something to be said about going slow. By the time you get something, no matter how small, it's really awesome._

Suddenly he was very nervous, why, he didn't know. He'd done this a thousand times and not that he didn't put any effort into it, but Cas wouldn't know if the kiss was good or not. She would know if she didn't like it though. Oh fuck, what if she didn't like it. Dean had never had this worry before, not even with his first kiss ever.

"So uh," he started, scratching the back of his head nervously. "How was it?"

"Is it usually like that?" Cas asked curiously, her face stoic as ever.

"It, um, w..what was it like?" Dean stammered.

"Very enjoyable," Cas said with a small smile.

"Fuck Cas, don't scare me like that," Dean laughed after a sigh of relief.

"My apologies. Was I adequate as well?"

"You weren't _adequate _Cas," Dean said, rolling his eyes at her being so formal. She looked at him with disappointment and he quickly clarified his thought. "I mean, you don't say _adequate _about kissing well, which you did, never woulda guessed it was your first kiss."

"Oh good," Cas said relieved. "What's wrong?" She asked, in response to the uncomfortable look he got after speaking.

"That uh, that was your _first _kiss right?" He asked, feeling stupid he would care one way or another. He'd slept with more chicks than he could even remember and he was gonna be pissy if Cas kissed someone before him? He never was a hypocrite before and it annoyed him to be one now, but just the _possibility _of someone touching Cas, _his _Cas, before him, pissed him off.

"Of course," Cas answered as if it were the most obvious thing ever asked.

"Well that's a real shame," he said, his cocky tone returning. "You have a lot of catching up to do, guess I'm just gonna have to help you out."

He leaned in for another kiss. This one started of as gentle as the first but quickly changed pace. Dean gripped the back of Cas's neck up under her hair with one hand and wrapped the other arm around her waist, pulling her snugly against him. Cas had one hand resting on Dean's upper back and the other was touching the side of his face. The kissing deepened and Dean backed Cas up against the counter. His tongue grazed her bottom lip asking permission to enter, which she granted. The kissing session was getting pretty heavy but Dean willed his hands to behave themselves, no way he was rushing Cas into anything.

That worry was short lived as they heard Sam, on some kind of 'ruin all my brother's fun' schedule, stumble by the front door before starting to open it. They quickly separated, Cas sprang three feet away in an instant and Dean just stood where he was. Sam clumsily came through the door and closed it behind him. He took a look at the two of them then, with out a word, went to his bed and collapsed on it face first. He was snoring in less than thirty seconds.

_Dammit Sammy, once a cock blocker always a cock blocker_

"I should get to sleep too," Cas said nervously, then grabbed some clothes out of her duffle and shot into the bathroom.

Dean looked after her for a few seconds with an uneasy feeling. She was out of the bathroom in about a minute, mumbled a quick goodnight, then buried herself under the covers. Dean went in the bathroom with his change of clothes and closed the door behind him. He looked in the mirror at himself, slightly confused.

_She was just spoked by Sam showing up right? But why did she act so freaked when Sam was asleep? Fuck, I pushed the kissing too far, I fucked it all up. I thought she was into it though. She didn't try to move away...of course not, she can't say no to you asshole._

The next day Cas avoided Dean. He would try to convince himself he was just being paranoid, which in a lot of people's cases would be true, but he wasn't. She took every chance she got to be away from him. Dean went to get breakfast, something she always jumped up to join in on no matter who went and got it, but she stayed in the room. Sam went to take one of his 'time out from you two' walks and she tagged along, something she'd never done. Then as a final nail in the coffin of truth, when Sam went to take a shower, at 8:30, she went to bed.

Dean was on edge and hardly got any sleep that night. He'd so freaking hoped Sam walking in was the reason she got weird, but obviously it wasn't...it was him. Cas may like, love, Dean but she either didn't want that kind of relationship with him or at all. Dean selfishly hoped it was the latter. It sucked enough she didn't want him in that way, he wasn't sure if he could stomach her going for another dude like that.

The next day they were back on the road again and Cas was still avoiding Dean as much as possible. Most of the day she was only a few feet away from him but he was starting to miss her. She hardly said more than two words to him unless she had to. She started directing the questions couldn't resist asking at Sam and just stayed quiet otherwise.

It was a little after midnight when they stopped at a nearly deserted, except for the one clerk, gas station with adjoining mini mart. Sam was asleep in the passenger's seat and Cas was sitting quietly in the back seat. When Dean got out to pump the gas Cas got out and went into the mini-mart.

_Fuck, she won't even be near me alone for five minutes. I gotta fix this._

Dean went into the mini mart but Cas wasn't there. He asked the kid behind the counter where the bathroom was and made his way there. He stopped in front of the women's room and hesitated. He hated to corner Cas like this but she really wasn't leaving him any other choice. He took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Dean," Cas said in surprise as she was drying her hands. "This is the ladies bathroom."

"Yeah Cas, I know."

"What's wrong?" She asked, when Dean didn't say anything else or move out of the way of the door.

"You don't have to avoid me anymore. I won't bother you," Dean said sadly.

"I'm not avoiding you," Cas denied, badly. "You never bother me Dean."

"Yeah right," Dean said with a bitter laugh. "In the last two days you've said about five sentences to me and you take off whenever we're alone together. Look, I'm sorry I freaked you out with the kissing, I fucked up. But I miss you Cas, I'll keep my hands to myself, I swear, I just want you to like me again."

"You didn't freak me out Dean," she said with a similar bitter laugh and a head shake for added effect. "That was one of the best nights of my life. I like you now, I couldn't ever _not _like you," she said, as if that were the most ridiculous idea she had ever heard.

"What?" Dean asked, totally confused now.

_If Cas liked the kissing so much then what the hell is with the cold shoulder?_

"Why are you avoiding me then?"

"I can't lose you Dean, I need you," Cas said softly.

"Lose me? You mean this shit with Lucifer? Don't worry, I'm pretty sure we'll all die in that fight," Dean joked, trying to lighten the mood.

"That's not what I meant," Cas said in the same tone, looking down at the floor.

"Cas, I don't understand."

"You kissed me Dean. You must have sexual feelings for me," she said in explanation, but Dean was as confused as ever, if not more.

"Uh, yeah, I remember, I was there. Sure I do Cas, that was the point of the kissing, I thought you said you liked it."

"I liked it very much. I just hoped you wouldn't see me that way."

Dean suddenly felt guilty. She was human now so she had those 'needs' they'd talked about but she was torn by her former angel ways. But she only had these types of feelings with Dean so if he'd just left her alone she wouldn't be so torn.

"I know I'm fucked up Cas. Having the warm and fuzzies for my former angel buddy is only icing on the cake. I'm not sure exactly why you want me, but you don't need to feel guilty about it, you're human now."

"This has nothing to do with my being an angel or not," Cas said, wondering where he'd gotten that impression.

"Alright, I give up. Assign me to the short bus and give me a teacher's aid cause I'm totally lost now. You gotta spell it out for me here Cas."

"I told you before Dean, I want, need, to be with you till the end. I wouldn't know what to do if I wasn't," Cas said sadly.

"I don't see what..." Dean started to say then he realized what she'd been talking about, why she'd been avoiding him. She thought if he was with her _that _way then he'd ditch her. Given his track record it was a pretty fair assumption on her part but just the _thought _of being away from her or her worrying about him ditching her made him sick to his stomach.

"Cas, look at me," he said as he took a few steps toward her. She looked up at him and they locked eyes. "You are NEVER going to lose me. I know what you're thinking now and it's NOT going to happen. No matter what happens between us as friends or more you're stuck with me now kid," he finished with a smirk.

"Thank you Dean," she said, looking at him intently.

"No, thank _you_ for putting up with my ass. I know how annoying I can be."

"I find it quite pleasant to be around you," Cas said casually.

"I think you came back as a saint Cas," Dean laughed.

"I must have to have the patients to deal with you every day," she said with a smirk.

"Castiel," Dean mock chastised. "Was that sarcasm I detected?"

"I'm afraid you're a bad influence," she dead panned.

"Wait," Dean said, touching her on the shoulder to stop her as they went to walk through the door. "I-uh, I still really don't know where we stand," he said unsure.

"In a bathroom."

"Was that more sarcasm?" Dean asked with an eyebrow raised.

"No," Cas said innocently.

"Dammit, so close," he mumbled under his breath. "I meant I'm not sure where you and I stand as in our relationship," he clarified. The last word sounding as strange out loud as it did in his head.

"Where do you want it to be?"

"I-um, well I uh," Dean stammered nervously. "Fuck it, I wanna be with you Cas," he just blurted out. "I want the whole nine yards, best friend, hunting partner, the kissing and hopefully sex eventually, but it's not just about what I want. What do you want?"

I want..." she started to say then paused. Dean felt his heart beat faster in his chest. What if she didn't want him now that she knew he'd stick around no matter what? "I want all of that. I want to be with you Dean, in any, every way you'll have me."

Dean sighed in relief then fought the urge to give a dirty response to the last thing she said. It was a bit too soon for those types of jokes and he was just happy it worked out the way it did.

"Ok then," Dean said with a nod. "We better get back to the car before some weirdo drifter kidnaps Sammy...or worse, touches my baby."

Over the next few days they were kinda like a couple of pre-teens who'd just discovered the opposite sex but weren't allowed to date yet. Translation, when the parent, Sam, wasn't around, they couldn't keep their hands to themselves. Dean was taking things, _painfully_, slow for Cas but it actually didn't bother him as much as he thought it would. Not that he was selfish with the girls he'd been with before, he took pride in them liking it too, but the main focus was him getting laid. With Cas, he wanted to make sure she liked it as much as he did...which unfortunately, took time.

Lucky for Dean Cas was a quick learner in more than hunting. In the span of less than a week she'd learned how to use her tongue in ways that felt so good on, in, around his mouth, that he nearly drove himself nuts thinking how much he'd enjoy it being used in other places. He'd gotten a little more free with his hands but he kept it strictly 'over the clothes' action. Partly because he didn't want to push Cas and partly because he knew it'd only make waiting even more torturous. He decided early on that Cas would have to be the one to move it to that level. He was still on the fence as to whether this decision was good or bad.

Sam looked up from behind his laptop at his brother and former angel. They were sitting on Dean's bed watching some ridiculous comedy on TV. Dean had tried to pass on his twelve year old sense of humor to Cas but it just wasn't her. Hell, he still couldn't get her to understand sarcasm ninety percent of the time. It kinda frustrated him how literal Cas was when she was still an angel, but now that he was used to it it was sort of the last time he looked over they'd gone from a good arm's length apart to practically touching shoulders. They were pretty much dead center on the bed so Sam couldn't tell who moved closer to who, his initial thought was they both moved he just didn't know if it was a conscious effort.

Since he'd met Castiel, as an angel, he noticed the lack of personal space Cas allowed. Dean had even told him about it before that. What he found interesting was the fact that it didn't seem to be a personal space thing at all, it was just a Dean thing. Cas had always kept a socially acceptable distance from him and everyone else. He mentioned it to Dean once but he just brushed it off as angel crap. This obviously wasn't the case, for the reason formally stated and because now they'd been in contact with a few angels and none of them did it. What Sam found even more interesting is that after awhile Dean stopped seeming uncomfortable about it, and this was _before _Cas came back as a hot chick. Sam didn't think anything sexual was happening between his, always presumed straight, older brother and the holy tax account angel, but it was definitely different than a professional working relationship or friendship. Since Cas had become human, especially the last few weeks, Sam started to change that line of thinking. The real question now, was when they were gonna get caught.

Even though he didn't actually _know _there was anything going on between them it still kinda seemed like he was interrupting them just by being there. He was starting to really feel the urge to get out of there for awhile. He wasn't exactly consciously saying 'hey Dean, ya can get laid now' but just leaving would give them a green light if something _was _going on between them.

"I'm gonna go take a walk," Sam said as he stood up from the table.

"Goodbye Sam," Cas said, looking over at him.

"Bye Cas."

"Don't do anything I would do, I ain't coming to bail you out of jail tonight," Dean said without looking away from the TV.

"I'll try to contain myself," Sam said with an eye roll, then shut the door behind him.

They both continued watching the movie and neither of them spoke for a few minutes. It wasn't surprising Cas didn't jump at the chance right away but it really was that Dean didn't. They really were actually friends first, not that Dean would admit this out loud, nor to himself for that matter.

_Wait, why the hell are you still watching this dumb movie? Hot chick next to you and cock-blocking little brother off on a walk, c'mon Dean, you're slipping._

"You hear that?" Dean asked, looking over to Cas.

"Hear what?" She asked curiously, looking away from the TV to him.

"Nothing," Dean said with a smirk.

She knew that look. She knew he was trying to tell her something, she just wasn't sure what exactly.

"I don't see your point."

"No tapping computer keys, no gigantic little brother. You really still just wanna watch this movie?"

"Oh," Cas said, as it dawned on her.

Dean took that as her no I don't, which it was, and leaned in to kiss her. After a few minutes they were laying down on the bed, Dean half on top of her. The kissing got intense, well as intense as over the shirt second base got anyway. To Dean's credit, he'd been able to keep this level of action going a good twenty minutes the times they'd been alone, before he had to bail out because he needed more. He'd never done that before. Since he started having sex he never put this much time and effort into just making out. The first girl he'd been with, a drunk senior when he was a freshman, didn't even kiss him at all. After that he realized he was a natural at spotting the right kind of girl. In his mind there were two types of girls, call him a pig if you want...it'd be true; ones that will put out with little to no effort, practically as soon as you talk to them, and ones that expect some feelings or connection to be built up before the sex. Obviously, he avoided the latter girls like the plague.

But Cas was different, Cas was a first in many ways for Dean. He not only put the effort into the make-out sessions to ease Cas into being comfortable with something more eventually, he did so because he _liked _it. He always thought kissing was just the warm up act but with Cas he thought of it as the headliner and sex would be the encore...and Dean preferred concerts with multiple encores.

About fifteen or so minutes into this latest session, Dean was pretty sure on the time estimate because he was getting close to bailing, Cas threw a wrench into Dean's ability for self control, she put her hand up his shirt. Much to his surprise, and hers, he flinched and backed off from the contact.

_The fuck Dean? You say you're gonna wait for her to take things farther and when she tries to you freak. Who's the virgin here douche bag?_

He had moved totally off of Cas but he was still close enough that they were practically touching. He had himself propped up on his side by his elbow and just looked down at the bed, he didn't know why the hell he reacted the way he did so he didn't know what his face would show and he didn't want Cas to get the wrong idea, not that he knew what the _right _idea was at the moment.

"Did I do something wrong?" Cas asked tentatively.

"What? No," Dean denied quickly, picking his head up to look at her. He was still working on a 'why' but he certainly didn't want her to think it was because of her.

"You usually don't respond that way when we're finished," she said, figuring it must just have been the 'need for a timeout' as Dean called it when they needed to stop what they were doing.

For a few seconds Dean was tempted to just let her keep thinking what she was thinking, but he thought he better not because he sure didn't want whatever fucked up thing in his brain that made him react this way this time to do it again next time.

"I-uh, we weren't finished yet, not the same way as usual I mean."

"I don't understand," Cas said, tilting her head slightly to the side.

"Yeah, join the club," Dean mumbled under his breath. "I don't know what the hell that was," Dean said honestly.

"Do you not want to take things any further?" Cas wondered.

"What? God no, I've been wanting further since I saw you in just a sheet," Dean blurted out. One of the many things they had in common, was their lack of tact.

"You're not making me any less confused Dean," Cas said simply.

Then it hit him, the why.

_You have GOT to be kidding me. How the hell is this even possible? I'm turning into such a fucking pussy._

"I freaked because of how you touched me," Dean said quietly.

"I thought you said I didn't do anything wrong," Cas said, half annoyed and half insecure of what she'd messed up.

"You didn't," Dean said, looking her in the eye to show he meant it. "I got scared Cas," he finished, avoiding her eyes.

"Of?" Cas questioned.

"Look, I'm not saying it would have happened tonight but that touching is the next step on the way, to well, you know."

"But that's what you want," Cas said, looking and sounding more confused than ever.

"Yeah," Dean agreed. "But I don't wanna fuck it up. It's bad enough I'm defiling an ex angel of the lord, I at least better make sure she likes it," Dean joked nervously.

"You're scared because you're worried that I won't like it?" Cas asked surprised. Dean nodded in confirmation. "I have to be honest with you Dean," Cas started out softly. Dean's attention peeked and all of his focus was on what she had to say next. "I'm not ready to take things all the way yet, I'm scared too. But it isn't because I'm worried I won't like it," she clarified. "There hasn't been a human experience you've shown or taught me that I haven't enjoyed and I have no reason to doubt this will be any different."

"Why would you be scared then?" Dean asked, genuinely not having a clue, though it should have been obvious especially after his recent confession.

"I'm scared _you _won't like it."

Dean bit his bottom lip. He should have seen that one, he was such a dumb ass.

"Cas, I'll like it. Trust me," Dean said sure of himself.

"How could you know that?"

"Because, just kissing you practically gives me a brain aneurysm. I wouldn't be surprised if us finally having sex killed me." Cas gave him a horrified look and he scrambled to translate. "Cas, chill. That's a good thing, really good."

"I don't see how a brain malfunction or death can equate to a _good_ thing," she said, looking at him as if he'd lost it.

"Human law. We take bad shit and use it in a positive way. What I just said only means you not only turn me on by just standing there, but when I actually touch you I'm like a kid in a candy store."

Cas actually _did _understand that reference. She had no clue why Dean was using it as an explanation to this conversation but she knew children loved candy, therefore Dean loved touching her and this eased her worry a lot.

Sam, as punctual as ever, picked now to show up. They heard him at the door and Dean scrambled to get back into a situationally appropriate position. As Sam was shutting the door behind him Dean took the opportunity to gauge Cas' reaction to what he'd just said. She gave him a reassuring look and a quick nod. Dean smiled at her then turned his attention back to the previously forgotten movie.

Surprisingly enough, they kept their secret a whole nother week. Even more surprisingly, was how the secret got out. Sam didn't confront them, even if he was half tempted a few times. They didn't get walked in on during any compromising activities, though they came close a time or two. Nope, none of that. In the end it was all Dean's fault. They were sitting at some dive in the latest town they were passing through having breakfast and Cas missed yet another obvious use of sarcasm and took what Dean said literally. Because of what followed he couldn't, for the life of him, even remember what he'd said. He gave her one of his usual 'are you kidding me, but that was kinda cute' looks and before he even realized what was coming out of his mouth said, 'Aww baby, seriously?' It was really a toss up as to who looked the most shocked after it was said. Dean, fast talker that he was, couldn't even blurt out an excuse, he just cleared his throat awkwardly. Cas quickly replaced her shock look with a semi stoic yet quizative one and tilted her head slightly. Sam, after regaining his composure, smirked and declared 'I knew it'.

After Sam was told to 'shut it bitch' by Dean, none of them brought up what happened at the diner the rest of the day. But later that night when Sam was in the shower, curiosity got the better of Cas. Dean was sitting on the end of his bed cleaning weapons when she decided to speak up.

"Is there a particular reason you called me what you did this morning?" She asked simply, not giving off any indication how she felt about it one way or another...Dean hated when she did this. If he looked at her directly there was almost nothing that he couldn't figure out about what she was thinking if he tried hard enough, but he didn't want to have to _try_, Cas was so blunt with him most of the time that she spoiled him.

"I-um, I didn't mean anything by it. It didn't piss you off, did it?"

"No, I'm just curious as to why."

"I don't know," Dean shrugged. "I've never used that pet name shit with chicks before. I mean I call them sweetheart all the time, but that's different, it's mostly patronizing...yeah, I know, I'm a dick. This morning just came out naturally, I didn't even think about it. Obviously, or I wouldn't have opened my big mouth in front of Sam."

Cas accepted this reasoning and didn't say anything else. Dean went back to cleaning the weapons. Cas picked up her kindle, that Dean got for her about a month ago because her never ending whys were getting more difficult to answer and he figured she needed more knowledge of the human world than the prospective of a semi functional borderline alcoholic hunter, and picked back up on her current book. After a few minutes she spoke up again.

"I kind of liked it," she admitted hesitantly.

"Huh," Dean said, taken out of whatever he'd been thinking about. He looked up at her and after a second, realized what she was referring to. "Kind of?"

"Ok, I liked it," she confessed, a little embarrassed.

"Really?" Dean smirked. "Who'd of thought you'd go all domestic on me."

"You started it," Cas grumbled.

"Yeah, well you ruined me," Dean dead panned.

Cas glared at him and then went back to reading. Dean was quiet for about a minute before he broke the silence this time.

"I liked it too."

Cas looked up at him but he was cleaning the weapons as he was before she'd talked to him in the first place and he made no indication he'd just spoken. Typical 'I just had a chick-flick moment' Dean Winchester cover up. She smiled then went back to reading.

A little over two weeks later they got a reminder of their destiny crap. Sam got the brilliant idea to ask that trickster asshole for help with the Apocalypse. Dean and Cas both thought this was a shitty idea. Cas, particularly, was displeased with this idea mostly because she wasn't an angel anymore and couldn't smite the fucker for killing Dean over and over the last time the Winchesters had seen him.

Sam's big brain logic to this was that, the trickster liked living as a human so much he'd want to keep the world as it was. He was wrong. The trickster just took the chance to fuck with them again. This time he dropped them into TV land and kept insisting they 'play their parts' in order to get out. They might have been stuck in there forever if he didn't slip up. When Dean mentioned Lucifer and Michael the trickster reacted in a way that Dean swore only family could produce such a pissed off response. They drew another angel sigil on the wall that Cas taught them after becoming human. This one rendered an angel incapable of leaving the location once they saw it, it only worked as long as the sigil was intact but the good news was that it was warded to repel angel powers so they couldn't be the one to break it. Dean wondered why angels would even have such a weapon that was only useful against other angels. Cas said angels have been doling out discipline to other angels since their creation and this was a useful tool in helping with that. Dean figured that sounded about right for the dick angels he'd met.

They called the trickster, insisting they were ready to play their parts, they just needed to know what they were. The trickster took the bait and appeared before them. Dean got his attention and uncovered the sigil he'd spray painted on the barn door.

"I see Castiel has given away all the house secrets," the trickster, or who they'd thought was the trickster, said smugly.

"Well Cas isn't a dick like the rest of you," Dean snarked.

"So, how did you two ya-hoos figure it out anyway?" He asked curiously.

"You slipped up when I mentioned Lucifer and Michael. Nobody can be that annoyed with other people unless they're family," Dean answered.

"Bravo, great detective work. Can we get on with this now?"

"You're gonna tell us what you know, what the hell you meant by 'our roles' and why you even give a shit."

"I know a lot of things," he said indifferently.

"Good, then you know we'll leave your ass to rot unless you do what we say. I know you created this little TV land but I don't think you wanna be stuck here."

"I really should have left you dead," he said casually. Sam made a move but Dean shook his head to stop him.

"Enough of your shit," Sam said harshly. "Now listen."

"First," Dean began. "Bring Cas here now." He snapped his fingers and Cas appeared, about two feet away from Dean. They exchanged a look and after knowing she was ok Dean continued. "Now talk, you're an angel, why have you bee fucking with me and my brother since before we even knew you guys existed?"

He ignored Dean entirely and set his eyes on Castiel.

"Cas, I gotta say, the outer packaging has improved."

"Gabriel," Cas grumbled. She wasn't positive at first but his arrogant attitude and trickster cover fit. Gabriel had ducked Heaven years ago and would have needed a good cover to be able to exist here unnoticed by his siblings.

"What? Not happy to see your big brother?"

"What do you want?" Cas asked, eying him cautiously. "Why toy with them?"

"I'm here to help," Gabriel shrugged.

"Right," Dean huffed sarcastically. "Cause you've been so _helpful _to me and Sam before now."

"Why do you think I even let you live the first time we met? Why do you think I went so far out of my way to mess with you two the last time?"

"Because you're a dick," Dean said, sure of himself.

"Dean," Sam said in warning.

"What?" He's on lock down Sammy."

"Do you want to field this one Cassy or should I?"

"Cas?" Dean questioned, turning to face her.

"Because no matter how far Gabriel has fallen he wouldn't dare disturb the prophesied bloodline."

"What?" Sam asked confused. "None of this was even supposed to happen, Dean and I jump started this thing. How would he know not to mess with us?"

"It's always been foretold that your bloodline would be directly involved in the Apocalypse, we just didn't know when. So from the beginning you've all been protected,"Cas explained.

"Protected?" Dean questioned sarcastically. "In case you missed it, or just forgot, our dad died and went to Hell. How the fuck is that _protected_?"

"Cuz your daddy wasn't important Dean-o," Gabriel smirked.

Dean made a move as if to go after him but Cas grabbed his arm and he stopped.

"Your father was an only child," Cas started to explain. "We weren't aware of who it would be but we did know it had to be brothers. Both Lucifer and Michael's true vessels had to be born of the same bloodline. It goes all the way back to Cain and Abel."

"So, what does any of that have to do with you fucking with us this time?" Dean asked Gabriel.

"Because it's time Dean. My brothers and you two functioning monkeys might have kicked it off early, but this is it, the Apocalypse. You two need to take your places."

"You want us to say yes?" Sam guessed.

"Bing-o! Give the over-sized man a prize."

"Why?" Cas wondered.

"Because it's _gonna _happen Catiel, there is no _if_, only _when_. It might have come early but why not get it over with now that it has started."

"This isn't how father would want it."

"Oh really, how do you know? Did you ask him? Oh, that's right, no you didn't cuz nobody has even _seen _pop for how long now."

"Hey!" Dean interjected. "I don't give a fuck what God or the angels want, we're not gonna say yes. You guys want some step-ford freaking paradise, go find your own planet to have it on. This one's ours."

"And you've taken care of it soooo well," Gabriel said with an eye roll.

"People will die if they say yes Gabriel," Cas interjected.

"So what."

"It is, has always been, our job to look over them. Love thy human more than you do me, father's words."

"It really isn't your job to do anything anymore, now is it?"

Now that was just hitting below the belt. Cas didn't respond, she just looked away sadly. It wasn't that she hated being a human, she really enjoyed most of it actually, she just missed who she used to be too.

"Hey dick," Dean said harshly. "Cas has done a hell of a lot more than you have the past few years. Your family fights, so you leave? News flash asshole, ALL families fight, you deal with it and bitch just like everyone else."

"You're only prolonging the inevitable."

"He isn't going to tell us anything of use," Cas said.

"Zap us out of here," Dean demanded.

"Let me go first."

"You think I'm gonna just trust you keep up your end?"

"How the hell am I supposed to get free if I let you go first?" Gabriel asked annoyed.

"With this," Dean said, pulling a zippo out of his pocket. He bent down and lit the weeds that were touching the bottom of the door. "I let it burn, it breaks the sigil and you're free. You don't zap us away in the next five seconds and I stomp out the flame."

"Be seeing you guys," Gabriel said with a smug smirk then raised his hand and snapped his fingers again.

"Sonovabitch!" Dean swore as he struggled to maintain his balance, once he'd touched the hotel room floor. "You never freaking get used to that."

"It's an acquired taste," Cas said softly.

Dean looked over at her, he saw the hurt on her face. She'd never admit it to him but he knew part of her still missed being an angel. In his opinion she mourned what she thought 'should' have been from Heaven more than what actually was there.

"Cas I," he started to say, but had zero clue what to follow up with. Luckily for him she wasn't interested anyway.

"It's fine. I just want to sleep."

Dean and Sam exchanged a sympathetic look, neither knew what to say to her, there really wasn't anything to say, nothing that would make a difference anyway. Dean may have been Castiel's self proclaimed guard dog but Sam had grown quite protective of her as well. She was family and when push came to shove, a Winchester was always loyal to family.

About three weeks later they had a rather awkward experience, the first ever Supernatural convention. That Sam stalker Chuck had sent to them after the final seal broke decided it would be a good idea to text them 'there's an emergency' from Chuck's phone. Seeing a bunch of imposter Impalas and people dressed up as 'Winchesters, this is your life' really was something they could have done without.

There was a silver lining to this trip though, the super-fan, Becky, gave them a lead on the colt. They always assumed the demon Bella sold it to destroyed it. Seriously, why would a demon keep something around that could actually kill demons? They still didn't know how solid a lead this was. Ok, so some demon named Crowley had the colt before, Chuck stopped writing the books, or they stopped being published rather, after Dean went to Hell. That was over a year ago, who says he didn't get rid of it by now. It may be a long shot, but it was the only shot they had at the moment. They hadn't found another way to kill Lucifer yet so they were gonna try this one.

Turned out not only did this Crowley have the colt, he willing gave it to the Winchesters and told them to go kill the devil with it. Bobby called in Ellen and Jo for back up. Dean wasn't too happy with the idea, he still didn't think Jo was cut out for the life, but word had been spreading among the hunter's network that Sam was the one who let Lucifer free so there weren't many other options.

"Cas please, you're diving me nuts," Dean said, pinching the tension at the bridge of his nose. "Just sit down," he said, patting the edge of the bed next to him.

"I can't _just sit down_ Dean," she said, still pacing back and forth.

"Yes you can," Dean said. Then he reached out, grabbed her by the wrist, pulled her to him and sat her in his lap. She made an attempt to move and he just held onto the other wrist. "Stay still," he said quietly.

"I'm not staying here," she said determined.

"You're not going and that's it," he said assertively.

"Dammit Dean," she said, starting to struggle again, but he didn't let lose. "This isn't fair. Jo gets to go."

Dean smirked. She was acting like a five year old but he had to admit, the pouting was kinda hot. She on the other hand, did not see the humor in the situation.

"Don't laugh at me," she said annoyed.

"I'm not," he said, taking on a serious tone and face. "Look, I don't especially want her going either but I can't tell her what to do, I ain't her boss."

The words were out before he even thought about them, to his credit he would have worded it better if he had, but he didn't backtrack fast enough either.

"And you're _mine_," Cas said darkly. If she still had her grace Dean probably would have gotten knocked through a wall for good measure, but damn her being human, she couldn't even get free of him holding her down.

"W-wait..no," Dean stammered. "That's not how I meant it, you know I don't think of you like that."

"Tell me just how did you mean it," Cas said, a little warmer but still on the lower side of freezing.

"Me and Sammy are on Heaven and Hell's most wanted list, we got a shot of getting out of there. There's no guarantee anyone with us will."

"There's never a guarantee in anything we do. I'm just as qualified as Jo and Ellen to do this," Cas said obstinately.

"You're just as qualified, you're just not as expendable," Dean admitted quietly, looking down between them to avoid her eyes.

"You don't mean that," she said looking at him with concern. "You would never put your life before theirs."

"No, I wouldn't. But I would yours."

"Dean," she said softly. He knew what she wanted, she wanted him to look at her. So he did.

"This isn't some regular hunt Cas, it's Lucifer. He might not touch me and Sam but he would have no problem killing everyone with us. If the colt doesn't work, this is a suicide mission. I can take that chance with Jo and Ellen, not with you."

Cas reached up and tentatively touched her fingertips to his cheek. She knew how hard that was for him to say out loud. Protecting people was Dean's natural instinct and to place more importance on one person's life over another went against his grain. Normally, he'd just throw himself under the bus to save everyone else but this time that tactic wouldn't work. She saw the guilt on his face, he couldn't be weighed down with that, especially not now.

"It's ok," she said looking him in the eye.

"It's not," he said shaking his head. "I know how awful that sounded."

She'd been learning from Dean since becoming human, before for that matter, so she applied one of his more utilized life skills...the art of acting not talking. She cupped his cheek in her hand and leaned in to kiss him. He was hesitant at first so she put other hand on his other cheek and persisted. Dean's resolve quickly faded and he started kissing back. His left hand rested on he thigh as he ran his right hand up her back and up under her hair, pulling her closer to him.

The next morning Dean woke up before the sun was out. Cas was sound asleep curled up, pressed against the side of him with her head resting on his chest and her arm thrown lazily over his stomach. He stroked her hair softly.

He must have fallen back asleep because the next thing Dean was aware of was the alarm on his cell phone going off. Cas groaned beside him and curled into a tighter ball, retreating farther under the sheet. Dean reached over and got the phone from the bedside table and turned it off. Dean made a move to start to get out of bed but Cas tightened her grip around him.

"Ugh, Cas c'mon, don't do this to me," Dean half whined.

"Sleep," Cas grumbled.

"Yeah I know, you're about as much of a morning person as a vampire and I ain't far behind ya, but I gotta get up.

He escaped out from under her grasp and got out of bed. He stretched beside the bed, trying to wake up and she mumbled something in Enochian and threw the sheet off of herself.

"Ya know, I get the distinct impression you're bitching at me when you do that," he said, raising an eyebrow at her.

"Your intuition is frighteningly accurate," she dead panned.

"Sarcasm? Baby, you're turning me on," Dean smirked then bent down over the bed to kiss her. He pulled away a few inches and looked her over. "These all look better on you but this one's the cleanest thing I got at the moment," he said, tugging lightly at the collar of his dark green button up shirt that she was wearing.

She didn't say anything she just got off the bed and walked over to the door, stopping just in front of it.

"I'm going to go take a shower."

"Ok, I'll see you downstairs," Dean said while looking down at his phone.

Cas opened the door and stepped outside then paused. "You gonna come get your shirt?"

"Ya can just leave it on the hook, I'll get it before..." he started to say, then looked up at Cas, who had turned around and was giving him a well deserved 'really Dean _really_' look. "Ah, c''mon Dean," he chastised himself. "Yup, leme do that right away," he smirked.

Dean was right, it was a suicide mission for everyone not named Winchester. It didn't change a thing either. The colt didn't work and they didn't have a plan B. Cas and Bobby were parked next to the radio from the second they left. They knew about Ellen and Jo being killed but they had no idea what happened to the boys until they walked through the front door, almost a day and a half after they'd left. Cas nearly knocked Dean over from the impact after she ran into him once he stepped into the living room. She hugged him about as tight as she could manage and buried her face into his chest. Dean hugged her too while running his hand up and down her back attempting to soothe her.

"What the hell boy?" Bobby snapped. Sam and Dean both looked over, not sure who he was chastising, Dean realized it was him. "You know what you put her through? Would it have killed you to make a damn phone call?" Since Cas came back as a human Bobby had adopted her as his third Winchester child, he saw her like she was the little sister they never had...which he had to alter a little bit after he knew her and Dean were _together_, together.

"Bobby our phones got busted and we...we just needed some time after," Sam said sadly, while defending his brother.

Dean, who hadn't moved til this, pulled back from Cas a little and put his hand under her chin, tilting her head up to look at him. She looked like she hadn't slept since the last time he saw her, and he knew she hadn't.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, giving her a sincere look. "All I wanted to do was get back here as quick as I could...and I needed to straighten myself out after. I knew you wouldn't be any less worried til you actually seen me anyway."

"Don't do it again, promise me. I don't care what it is, I can't just stay back and wait again. If it's really the end I have to be there too," she said looking at him pleadingly.

"I can promise if it makes you feel any better, but you know I'll break it. I'll always go with the option that has the best chance of you living through it, I have to."

"You are the most obstinate human being in existence Dean Winchester," Cas said sounding annoyed, but the look in her eyes said differently.

At some point during this chick-flick conversation Sam and Bobby baled. Dean hoped it was closer to the beginning than the end. Since he'd outted him and Cas being together they'd been open about it but he still didn't want people hearing him be all sappy like that.

A little over a month later they still weren't any closer to icing the devil or stopping the Apocalypse, but since the world _hadn't _ended yet, they still went on random hunts that came up on the radar.

It was _supposed _to be a typical low level demon gig, but Dean, of all people, should have known shit never went down how it was _supposed _to. They got separated, all he had to do was keep her in his sight and he couldn't even do that right. She should never have been there in the first place. What the fuck was he thinking ever letting her hunt anyway?

A pair of demons were wielding deals in a small town in Oregon. Sam had tracked them to an abandoned factory on the outskirt of the town. Once inside, Sam went in one direction and Dean and Cas went in the other. They weren't hard to find, though they may not have been trying to be. Dean walked into what used to be one of the building's old production rooms. There were conveyer belts and a few big machines, along with a bunch of trash and boxes. Cas followed closely behind.

"Watch the kick on that shotgun, I don't want you taking out an eye or something," Dean whispered.

"One time. I give myself a black eye with a weapon one time and I never live it down," Cas whispered back defensively.

A few seconds later they had company. The 'pair' of demons turned out to be a threesome. They only got a few shots off before the demons slammed them against a wall and flung their weapons across the room.

"Cas run!" Dean shouted.

They both took off to the door and down a long hall. When they, or so Dean thought, got to the end of the hall Dean opened the door to what used to be an office and turned around to yell for Cas to get in. Only problem being, Cas was gone.

"Cas!" Dean yelled. "No, no, no, no, don't do this to me," he said, starting to panic.

_Fuck! Keep it together dammit, Cas needs you. Focus._

He pulled Ruby's knife out of his jacket and held it, blade down, out in front of him. He started walking slowly back down the hallway.

"Don't touch me you filthy beast," Cas spat out, as she struggled against the restraints the demon was putting on her.

"Make sure those are tight. She came here with the Winchesters, don't underestimate her," the biggest of the three demons said, to the one tying Cas up.

He finished and the three of them just stood there looking at her for a few seconds. She struggled against the ropes binding her hands behind her back and the ones constricting her legs to the chair.

"If you're so aware of who I came here with then you know they're going to kill you all," Cas said darkly.

"Why don't you teach this bitch some manners," the one who seemed to be in charge said to the other two.

The two demons stood on opposite sides of her and took turns throwing punches. They started with the face. When she only got more angry and gave them more smart mouth, they moved to the torso.

Meanwhile, Dean had found Sam and they were both frantically looking for Cas.

"Son of a bitch!" Dean shouted angrily. "This goddamn place is fucking huge! How the fuck are we supposed to find her before they k..." he started to rant but couldn't finish the sentence. He would NOT think like that, he had to stay positive for Cas.

"Dean relax, we'll find her. Cas is a fighter and she's stubborn as all hell, you finally found someone as hardheaded as you are, she'll be fine," Sam tried to reassure.

They finished searching the first floor and moved on to the second. Dean was getting more and more freaked out with every passing minute. They were making their way down a hallway when suddenly Dean stopped. He turned and looked behind him, they were going the wrong way.

"Dude, what's up?" Sam questioned.

"This way," Dean said, nodding his head back in the other direction. "I know where she is."

"What?" Sam asked in surprise, but still followed.

"Here, she's in here," Dean said after they rounded a corner and stopped in front of what looked like to Sam, just a wall.

"Dean, that's just a metal wall, there is no 'in there' dude."

"She's in there dammit," Dean snapped. "Now help me fucking open it."

Sam knew better than to argue with Dean when he was like this. He started feeling up and down the wall on one side while Dean did the other.

"Holy shit here, it opens," Sam said. On of the large bolts lining the wall pushed in when he hit it and a lever popped out of the wall. He pulled the lever and the door opened sideways.

"Kill them," ordered the big one, as soon as the Winchesters had the door opened.

Dean took quick note of where Cas was and tried to determine just how injured she was. All in the three second span he had before he had to defend himself from the demon who was about to try to rip his head off. There was one demon for each Winchester. One wasted no time throwing Sam against a wall with the flick of his wrist while the other took a more human approach with Dean and started hitting him.

Cas tried harder than ever to get free and screamed against the gag that was in her mouth. Normally they'd have liked to hear her cries in pain but they didn't want the Winchesters finding them too soon, before they got bored and just killed her that is.

Dean's protective nature kicked up his level of rage and he put up with the demon's shit for all of about twenty seconds before stabbing it with Ruby's knife. He threw it to Sam who was having more trouble with his demon and made his way for the leader.

That one was a bit more tricky. He slapped Dean around a good five minutes, all while giving his big cliche' bad guy monologue. This, as in many others before him, was the cause of his down fall. Sam, after finally finishing off the other one, snuck up behind him and stuck the knife in his back.

Sam bent down and gave Dean a hand getting up off the floor. He was a little slower and worn for wear but overall, no big injuries. They both made a B-line for Cas and quickly started to set her free. Dean pulled out the gag first.

"Thank you," she said sounding hoarse and weak.

"Cas," he said, concern on overdrive. "God, what the fuck did they do to you? Look at me, tell me, how bad is it?"

"I don't know," she said in the same voice. As if on que some of her injuries spoke up. Sam bumped her right knee as he was untying her and she hissed in pain.

"Shit, sorry Cas," Sam apologized.

"Careful dammit," Dean snapped as he finished with her other side.

As soon as she was loose Dean gently lifted her up from the chair and held her in his arms. She wrapped her hands back behind his neck and just rested her head against his shoulder. Dean and Sam exchanged concerned looks, they knew it must be pretty bad. Cas was never the damsel in distress type. She was more the throw yourself into the fire and hope you don't get burned type. She did get the majority of her training from Dean after all.

Dean carried her downstairs and to the Impala, trying as best he could not to jostle her too much. She seemed to be injured in just enough places on her body that moving any part of her enough hurt something. Dean put her in the backseat and climbed in behind her. She immediately leaned against him, not being able to fully support herself on her own.

"Where are we going?" Sam asked as he started the ignition.

"Hospital. Her wrist is definitely broken and she needs stitches," Dean said as he gently held her to him with one arm and kept the bandana firmly pressed to her head with his other hand.

Sam started to drive. Not as fast or reckless as Dean would have but he did violate a decent amount of traffic laws on the way.

"Dean, what the fuck was that back there? How did you do that?" Sam asked.

"Later," Dean snapped. "I'm a little busy here."

Sam didn't argue. Dean was actually right, they had more pressing issues at the moment. Cas was hurt and it was bad. He wasn't going to let Dean weasel out of this one though. None of his brush it off with denial and it never happened shit. There _would _be a later to this conversation.

"It's _later _now Dean, what the hell?" Sam snapped.

"Shhh! You're gonna wake her up," Dean whispered harshly. "She's been through enough shit tonight, she needs to rest."

Dean totally owed Sam an explanation and it was _later _as he told him earlier, but God help him, if that gigantic moose woke Cas up Dean didn't know if he could re-frame from strangling him to death with his bare hands.

"You ain't getting outta this Dean," Sam said, in a much lower voice.

"Fine. Outside."

Dean walked out of the hotel room followed closely by Sam. They were on the second floor, which only made it that much more difficult to carry Cas from the Impala to the room without aggravating her injuries. Dean leaned against the railing and crossed his arms. His brother wanted explanations that he didn't want to, nor really knew how to, give. Sam leaned against the rail next to his big brother and followed suit with his body language.

"How'd you know where she was?" Sam questioned.

"Look, you ain't gonna like my answer but it's all I can give you right now."

"Don't gimme that cryptic crap Dean."

"I ain't," Dean defended. "I just should be talking to Cas before I tell you."

"Why can you tell Cas and not me?" Sam asked, a little offended.

"Because I lied to her," Dean admitted quietly. "I've never lied to her, hell, I _can't _lie to her, she always knows what I'm thinking by the time I think it."

"Tell me what you can," Sam said sympathetically. He wanted to know what the hell was going on but he did think Dean owed Cas an explanation first.

"I could feel her," Dean blurted out under his breath awkwardly.

"If you're just gonna mess with me, forget it," Sam said annoyed.

"I'm serious," Dean said firmly.

"What the hell does that even mean?" Sam asked confused.

"Literally dude, I just _felt _Cas. Like her presence or whatever. I have no clue."

"But you knew what it was," Sam guessed. "So this has happened before."

"Remember when Cas showed up in the hotel room that first day?" Dean asked rhetorically. "And I knew it was Cas?"

"I forgot all about that," Sam said, as the memory washed over him. "We got so caught up in everything I never remembered to ask about that."

"So did Cas. We were in the Impala and she was telling me some angel crap about me being her charge and I assumed it was some angel mojo but when I mentioned the hotel she was just as confused as I was. She said she never heard of the connection being on the human's side."

"Wait, I don't get it," Sam started.

"Hello," Dean interrupted. "I don't get it either, that's the point here."

"If you'd let me finish," Sam said annoyed. "I don't get what you lied to Cas about if she already knows this."

"She assumed it was a one time thing, some crap God pulled so we'd 'accept' her as a human. She was wrong, but I didn't say anything."

"So it's been happening since she was still an angel?" Sam asked and Dean nodded in confirmation.

"I never said anything cause I always assumed it was angel crap but once she told me that stuff I figured it had to be something with _me _and I didn't wanna deal with that shit," Dean shrugged.

"Typical," Sam said while rolling his eyes. "I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess it happened on somewhat of a regular basis pre and post angel and you just kept all quiet about it and now ya gotta tell Cas and she's gonna be pissed."

"Wow, can't get nothing by you, can I Sammy?" Dean asked sarcastically.

"Whatever dude," Sam shrugged. "You're just lucky she can't smite people anymore."

"Cas would never smite me," Dean defended but looked a little unsure.

They made their way back into the room as quietly as possible to not wake up Cas. Dean pulled an arm chair up beside the bed Cas was sleeping on and parked himself for the night. Sam didn't even try to get Dean to go lay on the room's couch, it would be a waste of breath. Dean was like a mother bear protecting her cub with Cas on a _normal _day, now that she was hurt you wouldn't be able to pry Dean away from her side with a crow bar.

Dean's eyes slowly opened to a too bright hotel room. As his eyes adjusted he noticed the bed in front of him was empty. He turned around to look at the door and was a split second from panicking when Sam spoke up.

"Dude, chill. She's in the bathroom," Sam said from behind his laptop.

As if on cue they heard the sound of water running and a few seconds later Cas opened the bathroom door and stepped, rather awkwardly, out of the room. She groaned in pain after limping a few steps and within a blink of an eye Dean was at her side, supporting her weight.

"I'm fine," she said stubbornly and tried to pull away, but Dean wasn't having it. He kept a firm grip on her, carefully avoiding her injuries.

"You shouldn't be up walking by yourself," Dean said, sending his little brother a death glare.

"Hey," Sam said, putting his hands up in defense. "I ain't a dick, I helped her to the bathroom and told her to call me when she was finished."

"Judas," Cas grumbled under her breath. "I didn't _call him when I was finished _because I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself."

"You're a gimp for the foreseeable future, just deal with it," Dean said as he gently helped her onto the bed.

"I am older than your human conception of time can even measure, I don't need to be cared for like a child," Cas said with an air of ageless authority.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm banging a MILF. You're still sitting on the sidelines till you're healed and human healing time is slower than a whore's confession in church." Dean said after he sat down in the chair, put his feet up on the bed and crossed them.

"You're impossible," Cas pouted then crossed her arms against her chest. Dean looked at her and smirked. If Cas actually got irony he'd point out how amusing it was that she'd spent the last few minutes arguing how 'adult' she was and he'd never seen her do anything or look any more childish.

"How are you feeling?" Dean asked, all joking aside. "And don't tell me fine."

"My head hurts, my knee is throbbing, the injuries to my ribs make it painful to breathe in deeply, and this insufferable contraption on my arm is making me itch," Cas listed off, mechanically.

After they got to the hospital there were a bunch of questions, of course. Dean, Sam and Cas all said she fell down a flight of stairs but they could tell the nurses didn't buy it. Assuming from their actions, that she was with Dean, he was the one that got the dirty looks. It did come off as a domestic violence case with that shitty excuse but they'd have believed the truth even less, plus it would have earned them a nice seventy-two hour psych hold. A few hours later when she was all patched up they snuck her out to the car. At the end of the day she was left with a black eye, busted lip, seven stitches behind her ear, three cracked ribs, a heavily bruised right knee, and a broken left wrist. She was silent the whole ride to the hospital and didn't make a peep when the doctors and nurses were fussing over her but she did make a very displeased face, that Dean would have found amusing if he weren't so worried, after they finished putting the cast on her arm.

"What can I do?" Dean asked.

"You can stop looking at me like that," Cas said with agitation.

"Like what?"

"Guilty."

"Oh, well excuse me all to hell, but guilty is a pretty normal look for someone when shit was all _their _fault," Dean said sarcastically.

"This was NOT _your _fault Dean," Cas said firmly.

"Dammit Cas, you're my responsibility and I let those fucking demons run off and have a tea party with you."

"I'm your _**what**_?" Cas asked darkly.

"I-uh, I'm gonna go take a walk," Sam said, clearing his throat awkwardly. "A really _long _walk," he finished, grabbing his jacket and rushing out of the room.

"I...look, I didn't mean it that way. You know that," Dean said, pinching the tension at the bridge of his nose. "

"How exactly _did _you mean it then?"

"I just wanna keep you safe," Dean said quietly, looking down at the floor.

"You do," Cas said, her tone soft. "The best that you can. This job has risks, you know that better than anyone. I'm well aware of them as well."

"I know," Dean sighed. "But I don't have to like it."

They were both quiet for a few minutes. This is how their fights, if you could even call them that, went. They only ever got angry with each other out of concern when the other put their self in danger. They'd go back and forth, each as stubborn as the other, then they would just be ok again once it ran its course.

"Since you're already pissed at me anyway, there's something I need to tell you," Dean said, finally breaking the silence.

"What is it?" Cas asked curiously.

"Last night when me and Sam found you...well it wasn't actually me _and _Sam," Dean started to ramble, not knowing how to go about what he wanted to say.

"What do you mean?"

"It was just me, I found you."

"I don't see why this is of import," Cas said confused.

"Because," Dean sighed, stalling time was up. "I didn't _find _you, I _felt _you. That's how I knew where you were."

Cas looked at him while deep in thought. Dean knew she'd remember that conversation in the Impala they'd had when she first showed up as human, Cas didn't forget anything. All he waited for was her reaction to the confession.

"Like you did in the motel," Cas guessed and Dean nodded. "I don't see why, how, it'd happen a second time."

"It wasn't the second time," Dean admitted softly.

"What?" Cas asked with surprise. "How many times then?"

"I don't know," Dean shrugged.

"You mean it's happened enough times that you lost count?" Cas asked, starting to sound angry. "It didn't seem important to mention?"

"It freaked me out, ok." Dean defended. "You assumed it was just a one time thing and I didn't wanna make it a big deal."

"When did I..." Cas started to ask then realization hit. "This happened while I was still an angel and you didn't tell me," she said, sounding hurt.

"I'm sorry Cas." Dean apologized sincerely. "I always assumed it was you, that you were putting off some angel vibes or some shit, then when it happened once you were human I figured it had to be me and...and I didn't want it to be. It's bad enough I'm destined to be this big deal in the Apocalypse or whatever, I didn't wanna add 'freaky angel esp' to my resume."

"Tell me what happens," Cas requested, in a business as usual tone.

"It's a little different now, but when you were an angel I could feel you were coming before I saw you. Like that time you showed up at the motel on my bed and sent me back to the 70s."

"But you seemed surprised to see me," Cas interjected.

"I was surprised I was _right_," Dean clarified. "Ever since we met in the barn you couldn't sneak up on me, I always knew you were gonna show up. I just thought it was some angel way of announcing yourself."

"What does it feel like?" Cas wondered.

"Uh, kinda like a heat lamp goes on in my chest and a thought pops in my head 'Hey, Cas is coming', it's worse when you were hurt," Dean said somberly.

"How so?"

"When you told me to meet you at that abandoned building in my dream, on the way there I knew you were gone. By the time we got there it was just Jimmy. It hurt Cas, felt like something got ripped out of my chest, then there was this big empty space there or something. The same thing when you died, I knew it before we got to Chuck's house. The feeling didn't go away til I stepped into that room."

"How is it different now?" Cas asked. She wanted to comfort Dean, this was clearly hard on him to talk about, but she needed to know everything first.

"Well, I still feel when you're gonna be there, but not as often. It only seems to happen when we're apart for a little while, not if you just leave the room or something. But this time when you were hurt I felt where you were and..." Dean paused, hesitant to admit to this last part. "I think I could feel what you were feeling."

"In what way?"

"I knew you were scared," Dean said quietly. "I knew you were in pain...and I knew you weren't worried, you weren't anxious at all, why?" Dean asked confused, as the memory came back to him.

"I knew you'd be there," Cas said, as sure as she would that the sky was blue.

"Not soon enough," Dean grumbled.

"Dean," Cas warned.

"Ok, fine, I saved the day," Dean said, dramatically sarcastic. "What the hell is wrong with me Cas?"

"I don't know," Cas said, giving him a meaningful look. "I've never heard of this happening to a human, I didn't think it could."

"What was it like for you?"

"As an angel I had full knowledge of you, location, if you were hurt, anything. I could read your mind but I didn't, after you told me you didn't like it. You were my charge, it was my duty to know everything so I could protect you. Now I'm weak and my powers are gone so it's different."

"Wait, there's still _something _there?" Dean asked surprised.

"Yes. It's rather odd actually."

"That there's still a connection?" Dean guessed.

"No, that we seemed to have switched. While I was an angel my connection to you was stronger and yours was weaker, now that I'm human the opposite seems to be true. It's like we're compensating for one another. I can still feel your soul but you practically have to be in the same room now," Cas said, sounding annoyed.

"Whoa, you can feel my _soul_," Dean said stunned.

"Yes, and you're feeling mine, or my equivalent of one anyway. My connection was made to be permanent, I'm not sure why, how, you have one with me."

"Permanent cause I was your charge?"

"No, permanent because I touched it, when I got you out of Hell."

"I thought you grabbed my arm. I got this," Dean said, touching his shirt that was covering the handprint on his shoulder.

"That would be how the part of the soul appeared to the human eye."

"Now you lost me," Dean said confused.

"In Hell, Heaven also, your physical body doesn't exist, only your soul. A human eye can not see a soul, their eyes can not process it without consequence. Therefor humans who are in either place _appear_, to other humans at least,how they looked while alive, but it's only superficial. Angels can see them as they really are, when I got you out of Hell I was looking at your soul, I gripped you to drag you out and when you became a physical body again you could see where my hand laid."

"If nothing is physical how come it's a handprint, exact match to Jimmy?"

"Because, on the rare occasions an angel shows their self to a human in Heaven or Hell it's in the form of a chosen vessel. Seeing us in our true form would irreparably damage you."

"Like Pamela?"

"Exactly."

"Just cause you drew the short straw at work that day you had to go to Hell and drag my ass out?"

"I did not _draw the short straw _Dean, you were destined to be my charge."

"How the hell did I end up in Hell then?"

"Because it wasn't revealed to me until after you were there. See, all angels are assigned a charge eventually but they don't know who or when or even it what stage of life their charge will be in. I've known angels who were only told of their charge hours before their death."

"Uh, I understand, I guess. So, can you feel other people's souls too still?"

"I could never feel anyone else's soul Dean."

"But I thought you just said angels saw people's souls all the time."

"I said they could _see _them," Cas clarified. "The only way an angel can feel a human soul is if they touch it. Once an angel has touched a human's soul they are bound to that human forever. It leaves a mark, both on angel and human. The human's mark, physical, as you see but the angel's mark is internal. It becomes necessary to always care for that soul."

"How is that different from a charge?"

"We are assigned our charge, it's our duty to protect them, but once an angel touches a soul, the human, in a sense, becomes theirs and we _need _to protect them," Cas explained.

"The angels I've met haven't exactly been pro people, they must hate when that happens," Dean mused.

"They're fine, it never happens."

"Hello, it happened to you Cas."

"Do you know the last time an angel was even sent to Hell to get a human soul?" Cas asked rhetorically because obviously Dean didn't know. "It's been _thousands _and _thousands _of years and it wasn't even successful most times."

"Successful?"

"If the angel gets to Hell and the soul has been too corrupted for whatever purpose it was going to be reserected for then the angel simply goes back to Heaven. So, while I'm not the _only _angel to ever have touched a human soul, I have never met another one either."

"Why didn't you just leave me then?" Dean asked with guilt. "I _was _corrupted, I lost count of how many people I tortured down there."

"Your soul is the purest I have ever seen Dean."

"Pure," Dean laughed humorlessly. "I ain't been pure since I was fourteen."

"That isn't how I meant Dean," Cas said disapprovingly. "You're brave and selfless, you're a hero. You're a righteous man."

"Cas," Dean whined. "You know I hate when you say that."

"My apologies."

"Just because you touched my tainted soul you're stuck with me forever now?" Dean asked seriously.

"Dammit Dean," Cas said with frustration. "I am NOT _stuck _with you."

"You just said it 'bound forever' or some crap," Dean said, standing up from the chair. "Well screw that, you're human now. You're free. Obligation over," Dean ranted as he paced in front of the bed.

"You're right," Cas said softly. "I am human now, I have no obligation." She took a long pause. Dean stopped pacing and looked at her as soon as she'd said he was right. His breath caught in his throat. She could leave him now. She couldn't before because she was still following angel law but now she didn't have to. Dean didn't regret what he said to her, he wanted her to stay, but not because she felt as though she had to.

"Freewill Cas," Dean said hoarsely with emotion. "I won't try to stop you. Wait till you're healed at least. Just don't tell me before you do it."

"What?" Cas asked, highly confused.

"You're gonna make me say it?" Dean snapped. Cas looked as confused as ever, so he did. "You wanna leave now. Nothing holding you here so now you can go."

"That-that's not what I meant at all," Cas said with horror. "I would never, _could _never, leave you Dean."

"I have no obligation now," Dean said, mimicking her. "How should I take that?"

"I have no angel obligation to you anymore, I _want _to be here. I'm not bound to your soul anymore because of some rule of Heaven, I'm bound to it because I'm in love with it, in love with you," Cas said, almost desperate for him to believe her.

Dean knew Cas loved him, was in love with him even, but it had never been said out loud. It was far from one sided but Dean, of course, never said it out loud either, they both knew he never would. That wasn't why she'd said it, she wasn't fishing for it to be returned she just wanted to make it that much more concrete to him. She loved him. She wanted to be with him. Most of all, she wasn't going anywhere.

Dean closed the space between them and sat on the edge of the bed next to her. He raised his right hand and tenderly grazed his fingers from her cheek down her jawline. They looked intently at each other. Dean trying to convey in a look what he couldn't in words.

"I don't deserve you," he said softly.

"We will have to agree to disagree on that one Mr. Winchester.

It had been six months since Cas came back as human. They were on the road making their way to their next hunt when seemingly out of nowhere, a hurricane like storm popped up. Much to their good luck, or so Dean thought, they came across a nice motel. Sam wanted to keep going, but since when did Dean listen.

Turned out the motel was just a trap some Gods had set for the Winchesters. They were sick of Lucifer's shit and thought they'd use Sam as bait to get him there and kill him. To all three of their surprise, Gabriel showed up. They all thought he was some God named Lokki. Apparently he'd had a thing with one of the Gods there. He came to warn them not to challenge Lucifer. Gabriel's disguise wasn't as tight as he thought it was because this God he used to be with knew he was an angel. She got, what she thought was, his angel killing blade and stabbed him with it and he faked his death.

Dean smooth talked his way into convincing them they should all work together, more muscle to kill the devil, which is what everyone there wanted.

In the end one of the piss ant Gods gave Lucifer a heads up and he showed up and slaughtered them all, besides the one Gabriel dated. He showed up at the last minute and stopped Lucifer. He got his attention long enough for them to escape. His only mistake was sticking around and trying to kill his brother. Lucifer stabbed him with his own, real this time, angel sword.

"God fucking damn it Dean!" Cas shouted, as soon as the hotel room door had closed behind her.

Three things happened in the span of those two words that caused Dean to flinch instinctively. Cas yelled, she swore and she used blasphemy. The first she did rarely, the second could be counted on one hand and the third was a first.

"What?' Dean asked, trying to sound casual but his nervousness was obvious.

"What?" Cas repeated darkly. "Do you knowingly try to sacrifice yourself or is it just a consequence of your moronic recklessness?"

"A little of both?" Dean said unsure.

"Now is not the time for you to try to be cute," Cas said coldly, sporting her 'if I were still an angel I'd probably smite you' look. "They were Gods Dean, not demons, vampire or anything else you've hunted your whole life, they were _Gods_. Do you think for a second, even if they could have killed Lucifer, that they would have let you live afterward?"

"Cas, I'm not brain dead. I know the second we got rid of the common thorn in our side they'da killed us too."

"And what, you just didn't find that knowledge of import?" Cas asked incredulously.

"No, I didn't," Dean said bluntly. "Look, if we get a shot at killing Lucifer I'm taking it. I don't care if I have to throw myself under the bus to do it."

"You don't _care_?" Cas questioned in disbelief. Do you really think that little of yourself, that your life is just expendable?"

Dean just looked at her for a few seconds. Bobby had said almost the same thing to him years ago when he sold his soul for Sam. He only added onto the list of reasons he hated himself since then so his answer was going to be similar.

"It is," he said quietly. "Cas, I'm not even _supposed _to be alive right now. I already died, it should have stayed that way, none of this would be happening. So yeah, if I have the chance to stop the fucker trying to ruin the world, I am just expendable."

What Cas did next took Dean totally off guard, her too somewhat. It was a reaction she never displayed before. Everything she'd done or said since becoming human had been for other people, mainly Dean, but not this time. In reality though, it was. She'd run out of ideas on how to convince Dean he was the man she knew he was so this was purely a hail mary play.

"Well, what about me?" Cas nearly shouted. "You're not _supposed_ to be here, you think your life isn't worth anything, you think everything bad that's ever happened is your fault, fine, I don't know how to fix that. But if you care about me AT ALL you should at least put some effort into self preservation. You want me to have all these _human _experiences, fit some life in incase this really is the end. Well, here's a human experience for you, a temper tantrum. I don't care about _any _of this, Lucifer wiping out the planet, the angels getting their paradise, all the people in the world getting killed, if you're not here after it's over."

"You don't mean that Cas," Dean said softly. "You care about all of it, that's who you are, that's what makes you different from them even when you were an angel."

"I don't mean it," Cas repeated cynically. "I guess it's your turn to think too much of me this time. I meant every word," she said looking him directly in the eye.

And she did. She would fight _with _Dean til the bitter end and if they died, so be it, they needed to at least try to save the world. But it were _just _Dean who made the sacrifice then she would never be on board with it, world be damned.

"I'm not worth the rest of the world Cas," Dean said after a few moments pause.

"I think differently," Cas said firmly.

Gabriel had left them with a little parting gift. If they could believe him, which they had no other choice at the moment, they now knew a way to deal with Lucifer. Gabriel said if they collected the four horse men's rings they'd form the key to opening Lucifer's cage again. He didn't say how to get him back _in _the cage, but since when were things just laid out for the Winchesters? They always had to work for everything in the past, this will just be more of the same.

Sam was a little more negative about this plan than Dean, which was surprising. They already had two rings, Dean saw the glass as half full, Sam saw it half empty.

A month later they weren't any farther along with saving the world. Pestilence and Death were staying off the radar. The only reason the got to War and Famine was because they came out from under their rocks. So, until the world ended or they got a shot at stopping it, they hunted.

Dean was silent, which was very out of character for him. She'd been reckless. He normally got pissed when she so much as suggested doing something that would put her at risk and this time she out right put herself in the line of fire on purpose, she fully expected his wrath. So far she'd gotten none. He was quiet the whole drive back to the hotel, but the tension could be cut with a knife. Sam took off as soon as the Impala was parked, even though they had separate hotel rooms now. He still did have the one next to them and he wanted out of the crossfire. They'd been back in the room a good ten minutes now and all Dean did was walk over to his bed, sit on the edge of it, rest his head in his hands with his elbows propped up by his knees, and look deep in thought.

"Are you ever going to yell at me or are you just going to torture me with the silent treatment?" Cas asked from across the room. She never stepped more then two feet away from the door, having fully expected Dean to turn and start yelling as soon as it closed behind her.

"I'm not going to yell at you and I'm not giving you the silent treatment," Dean said calmly. She didn't have a particularly rational reason for it but a chill ran through her just then. His tone and demeanor freaked her out far more than the usual screaming and frantic hand gestures, at least those were predictable.

"What exactly are you doing then?" She asked hesitantly.

"I'm thinking _really _hard about what to say to you and how to say it because evidently you, don't fucking listen to a word I say, so I need to say it differently," he said, keeping the tone and standing up from the bed.

"Ok," she said, and she didn't know why but it came out sounding a bit frightened. She knew Dean would never do anything to hurt her but the fact that he was staying so calm and reserved instead of freaking out on her was really unnerving.

"Tell me why. After everything that I've taught and told you since you became human, especially everything that came after we got involved, tell me why you did it."

"I'm not a child Dean, despite you constantly treating me like one. You _have _taught me a lot and that's why I was capable of doing it."

"Capable of being an idiot, I taught you to be me."

"If that's how you see it," Cas said indifferently. Either her tone sparked an emotion or his pent up ones finally bubbled over cuz Dean stopped being calm.

"Tell me why!" Dean shouted. Cas jumped a little at the sudden shift in tone.

"There were two of them," Cas started to explain, as if it were totally obvious. "Sam was already struggling with the third and they both decided to go for you."

"Exactly," Dean said, picking up the same 'this is fucking obvious' tone. "Two of them Cas, there were two of them and what, you thought you'd stand a better chance at 'em than I did?"

"Of course not. I'm not stupid."

"Oh really," Dean said sarcastically. "See, I would have whole heartedly agreed with that yesterday, but today you frigging slashed your arm and offered yourself up as vampire chow, so now I think I might have been wrong."

"I knew what I was doing," Cas said firmly.

"That's even worse!" Dean shouted. "You knew perfectly well you were being reckless and just did it anyway."

"They could have killed you. My blood got their attention and distracted them then you killed them, it worked out to my advantage."

"You didn't know that. What if I wasn't quick enough? What if they got you before I killed them?" Dean asked, his voice hoarse with emotion.

"I knew it would be enough of a diversion for you to get the upper hand. The possible collateral damage was worth the risk."

"Collateral damage? You're talking about your life Cas," Dean said in disbelief. "Don't you _ever _refer to that as collateral damage and you sure as hell don't ever become it for me."

"I see no better reason for it."

"Christ Cas, what the fuck did I do to you?" Dean asked sounding heartbroken.

"Don't you dare take the blame for this Dean, not this, not for how much you mean to me. Heaven started this connection and it's the only thing, as far as I can see, that they've done right in a really long time. And I cemented it, not you. I had to stand down to Uriel because I was too close to you. I've been in this since the second I raised you from Perdition, before you even spoke to me or had any chance to _do _anything to me," Cas ranted and Dean let her, she deserved the chance to speak her mind. Even though she'd missed his point and he knew she would, it would only be obvious to him unless he spelled it out to her.

"That wasn't what I meant," he said softly.

"What then?"

"We're only even having this fight right now because of what I did. You wouldn't have been in any danger if you still were what you used to be. You're weak, you're fragile, your mortal now because I took away who you were. It's my fault you're like this, human, now and I don't know how you can even stand to look at me let alone be willing to die, again, for me."

Cas couldn't say a word at first. The look on Dean's face and the broken tone to his voice as he said all of this was just too overwhelming to react to right away. How could he seriously think any of that, especially the last part? She was human because Zachariah thought she'd be useful to manipulate Dean, which only backfired because she just became another string to the world keeping him from saying yes to Michael. And not only could she _stand to look at him_, she was in awe she got to be with him most days.

"I don't know how you could possibly believe any of that," Cas said sadly. "You had nothing to do with me becoming human, I died and under any other circumstances I'd still be dead, you couldn't have any effect on it one way or the other. How could you think I have to _stand to look at you_? I'm grateful for everyday I have with you. And yes, I'm more than willing to die for you again. As long as I live I always will be."

"I had a _lot _to do with you becoming human Cas. I convinced you to rebel, you were killed because you were helping me."

"I should have rebelled sooner. If I hadn't been such a coward and told you what the angels were really planning after I returned from Heaven then this whole thing could have been avoided. You blame yourself for not stopping Sam and Sam blames himself for breaking the final seal but it's my fault, not either of yours."

"You wouldn't have had to even be in that position if I didn't start the whole damn thing by breaking the first seal in Hell. You make excuses for me Cas and you try to take on blame for things I've done, but all I've ever done is fuck up, and long before we even met. I told you in the hospital to find someone else because I knew I couldn't do it. I'm not _the righteous man_ and I never have been. I'm not even a _decent _man, you know that better than anyone, you know every fucked up thing I've ever done. You're the good one Cas, everything you say I am is actually what you are. You're the hero, the selfless one, the brave one, the leader. I'm not even close to any of those. I ruin everything I touch, I bring down everyone around me. The so-called Heaven prophecies say I'm the one to save the world, well that article needs a retraction because I didn't save it, I fucking ended it."

In a pretty healthy resume of self loathing speeches Dean had made in his lifetime, this was a pretty good one. Cas didn't know what to say to him. Her initial instinct was to tell him how ridiculous he was being and how untrue most of what he'd just said was, but she didn't. As an angel and as a human she'd tried to convince Dean of his worth and it never seemed to stick. She decided to try a different tactic. In the extremely healthy way she'd learned how to express emotions from Dean, she let him have it.

"When are you going to just fucking accept that someone can love you? That I love you? That a lot of people are better off because of you?" Cas yelled angrily.

"When I fucking deserve it," Dean challenged.

"Do you want me to leave? Do you even want me around?" Cas asked bluntly.

The questions and the extreme change in tone and subject took Dean off guard.

"W-what? W-why would you ask me that?" Dean stammered.

"I don't know how to help you Dean. I've told you, showed you, how important you are, how much you mean, more times than I can count and you still hate yourself this much. I'm not even sure that being around me doesn't make that feeling stronger."

"How could you possibly think being around you makes it stronger?"

"You. You just said how guilty you felt about me being human. You put enough guilt on yourself already, I don't need to add to it."

"It happened, I can't fix it, the guilt is there if you're here or not."

"There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for you if I were capable of it Dean, but I don't know if I make your life worse or better," Cas said, and this time it was her turn to look and sound heartbroken.

Dean looked at her in shock, his facial expression and eyes would have shown her exactly what he was thinking but she was looking down at the floor. It was his go at not believing she could actually think that way.

_Make my life worse? You're the best fucking thing that's ever happened to me. _

Dean closed the small distance of space that was between them. He stopped less than a foot away from her. She still didn't look at him so he reached his hand up and touched his fingers to her chin, tilting her head up to look at him. She was being stubborn, her face may be in the right direction now but her eyes were still cast downward. Part of her, a very lage and nagging part, was terrified he decided on the former. That, having her around _did _really make it worse for him. She was one more person to protect, one more person he thought he let down. He didn't even feel like he deserved to be with her, she knew that, he'd outright said it. Maybe that had finally gotten to him.

"Cas, look at me," Dean said quietly. At first she resisted. "Please," he pleaded after a few seconds. She hesitantly raised her eyes to meet his. "I need you to listen to this. If you've ignored everything I have ever told you, but I know you haven't, just listen to me now. You have to believe me, I _need _you to believe me." He paused, obviously waiting for her to agree to this so she nodded in affirmation. "There hasn't been a single second since you showed up in that motel room that you haven't made my life _**better. **_You make _everything _better Cas," Dean said, looking her in the eye more intently than he ever had...and in their long history of intense eye-contact-only conversations dating back to even before she became human, that was really saying something. He had to make her believe what he was telling her. He knew she couldn't _actually_ read his mind anymore but he was going to use all the will power in him to make her see these thoughts.

Cas didn't respond, she couldn't, nothing she could say would be good enough anyway, but she believed every word he said. She kept the intense eye contact and tried to hold it in, but the first tear escaped, fucking human body betraying her. They weren't sad tears but they weren't happy ones either, they were more ones of relief. No matter how much she cursed not being able to use the power of Heaven to protect him anymore, she at least knew now that she was doing something. She made things better for him and how much or how little really wasn't the point, any _better _for Dean Winchester wasn't even possible a good portion of his life but she was able to give it to him and for that, she was grateful.

Dean reached up to brush away her tear with his thumb then pulled her into a tight embrace. She pressed her face against his chest and just let it out, she couldn't hold it back any longer, so she cried. Dean had never seen her cry before, he still technically wasn't _seeing _her do it, but that was beside the point. He knew she believed what he'd told her and figured she'd probably been shoving down that worry for awhile and it clearly was weighing heavily on her. Now that she finally let it out, she was really letting it out. Suppressing shit and letting it bubble over in emotional rants, she really had become a Winchester.

He held her against him tightly, rested his cheek on her head and stroked her hair soothingly. He knew Cas loved him. Hell, she said and showed it enough. What he didn't realize had such a severe impact on her was how she thought she made _him _feel. He knew he was about as able to really express his emotions and feelings as a brick wall was, but he always thought he'd at least shown or inadvertently told Cas how much she did for him. Obviously he wasn't doing a good enough job, he was gonna fix that.

About a month and a half later they got some help from an unexpected source. Dean's first instinct, Sam's too, was to kill the fucker when he showed up, but he was quick. He avoided the initial attack, after he'd shown up in the back seat of the Impala next to Cas, then smooth talked his way into getting them to chill and hear him out when he reappeared.

He swore he had no idea the colt wouldn't work on Lucifer and they all still had the same goal so why not work together. Crowley had it on, what he called, good authority that Pestilence was very much not laying low anymore. In fact, he was about five minutes from _really_ starting the end of the world. He'd put a plan in motion that was going to spread the Croatoan virus around the world in only the amount of time it took the 'vaccines' to be delivered to their destinations. He'd drummed up a bad virus and the company that made the vaccines for it, were really only putting the Croatoan virus in vials and were less than a day away from shipping it all over the country. They had to stop it from being shipped out. If the virus was distributed there would be no possibility of containing it. They still didn't have a clue how the first outbreak they'd seen had gotten contained.

They were set to leave at the crack of dawn the next morning. They were only a few hours away from the factory and the shipments weren't due to start going out until tomorrow night. Dean was still pissed off Crowley didn't just take care of it, he had enough to do, but the coward said he was 'too hunted' to show himself around that many demons without it getting him killed. And naturally, he blamed Sam and Dean for being hunted in the first place. They didn't kill Lucifer and now word was out he'd tried to get the boss ganked. So, as usual, the Winchesters were on their own.

"You're staying here with Bobby and that's it," Dean said with authority.

"No, you are not leaving me behind again," Cas said, glaring at him.

"Yes I am."

"I won't stay," she said determined, crossing her arms.

"Oh, you'll stay alright. Even if I have to lock you in the panic room before I leave, you're staying."

"You can't do this to me," she said, sounding betrayed.

"I'm not doing anything _to _you, I'm doing this _for _you dammit."

"You're doing this for yourself," she said coldly. "You think you have to babysit me and tomorrow is too important to waste focus watching me."

"You're right, I am partly doing this for myself, but not because you need a babysitter. It's the same reason as last time, I can't risk you."

"Most of our side is dead Dean, Jo, Ellen, even Gabriel. You can't keep me off to the side anymore because something _might _happen."

"It's more than fucking _might_," Dean snapped. "This place is gonna be crawling with demons, God only knows how many, which is reason enough to keep you here. And if we lose the element of surprise the first thing they're gonna do is throw around some of that virus. They might have infected some of the factory workers there already just for shits and giggles. Sam's immune cuz of his demon blood crap, I'm betting you're not."

"I'm betting neither are you," Cas challenged.

"Yeah well, I'm betting that if I'm killed Heaven or Hell would just slap me right back here to keep toying with me."

"I don't want to test that theory," Cas said sadly.

Dean touched her cheek gently. "Please, stay here, for me." He was fighting dirty. He knew she always caved when he asked her to do things 'for me'.

A few hours later they were in one of Bobby's spare bedrooms about to go to sleep for the night. Dean, for reasons unbeknownst even to him, got it in his head that now would be a good time to start one of those long drawn out emotional conversations he loved, read: hated, so much.

"Why haven't you ever gotten mad at me for not saying it back?" Dean asked evenly.

Cas, who was fishing for something in her duffle bag was caught off guard, not only by the sudden break in silence they'd been comfortably having for a good hour, but the actual question itself. She didn't have a clue what he was asking.

"I'm sorry?" She questioned, raising an eyebrow at him.

He repeated the question and added, "You've been saying it to me for months.

Then she knew what he meant.

"I don't expect anything from you Dean." Cas said calmly.

"Do you even realize how fucked up that sounds?" Dean asked with agitation.

"No," she said simply.

"Sonovabitch," he said, rolling his eyes at her latest blatant case of being literal. "You _should _expect something. You have every right to expect to hear it, you should hear it, you should have someone who can actually fucking say it to you."

"It is not of import," she said, keeping the calm tone.

"Don't gimme that not of import bullshit," Dean snapped. To be clear, he wasn't angry with Cas, he was angry with himself and she was just on the receiving end of it. "It is very much of fucking import to any girl that's ever lived and you deserve to hear it more than any of them."

"Fine," Cas said, finally getting annoyed. "You want me to say I'd like to hear it? I would, of course I would. I've fallen and hit every ridiculous human emotion branch on the way down. But hearing it, you saying it, wouldn't make a difference. People _say _a lot of things Dean, most of it doesn't mean anything. You should know that better than most people, lying is one of the main things that you get by on."

"What? You think I'd be _lying _if I said it? Cas I wouldn't..." Dean started to say.

"No, that wasn't my point," Cas interrupted. "I'm saying people can say whatever they want, it doesn't make any of it true. You show it Dean, you don't need to say it. You've spent everyday since I became human trying to help me adjust, you answer every question I come up with no matter how asinine, you have _literally _risked your life to save mine and wouldn't think twice about sacrificing yourself for me. Tell me Dean, how many of the _any girls that have ever lived _can say that about the person they put so much stock in wanting an 'I love you' from?"

"Shit, I'm becoming such a pussy since you came along," Dean said shaking his head. "But I need you to hear this. I need to say it...out loud."

"Go ahead," Cas urged lightly.

Dean sat on the end of the bed and put his face in his hands. Cas sat beside him and waited for him to speak, she knew he'd say what he had to say in his own time.

"I don't not say it cuz I don't feel it, I do feel it, but I can't let myself feel it either," Dean started to confess quietly, without looking up. "I idolized my dad as far back as I remember. I did everything he ever asked of me with out thinking twice or questioning it. He abandoned me, I know he thought it was for the best, but he still ditched me. My mother, whos death is the only reason I got dragged into this life, started all of this, she made a deal with a demon. I'm not judging her, I would have, hell I have, done the same thing. But it's still what wrecked all our lives. Sam, fuck, Sam may be the worst of all three. I raised that kid, gave up my childhood so he could have somewhat of one. There isn't anything I wouldn't have done for him and he took off the second he got the chance. He always said he was running from the life, wanted to get away from dad, but he left me too, and didn't even want back in when I needed him. Then he chooses Ruby, a fucking _demon_, over me. I would have never chosen anything over him. The people I love most in the world have all left and betrayed me. Fuck, I know I'm sounding like a whinny ten year old, I'm getting to a point, I swear." Dean took a pause and looked over at her. Cas kept silent, she knew he was about to say what was really bothering him, why he started this conversation to begin with. "I still love them, nothing would change that, but a part of me resents them. I know everyone I love will leave me at some point and that's why I resent them. I can't resent you too Cas. You're the only one who's ever stuck by me no matter what, I need you. I know it's ridiculous, but that's why I can't say it, why I can't let myself think it, but it's there, I need you to know it's there."

Cas took Dean's hand in both of hers and put it over her heart. Neither of them said anything for a few minutes, they just looked at one another fixedly.

"I know it is," Cas finally said, breaking the silence.

They pulled it off, yet another impossible snag and the Winchesters got out of it again. All the supply of the Croatoan virus was destroyed and they had ring number three. Things were actually looking up. For the first time they all really believed they actually had a shot at ending all of this. The should have known it was only the calm before the storm, wasn't that always the case in their lives?

Two weeks later the storm hit. Zachariah had gotten creative. He couldn't locate Cas or the Winchesters because they were hidden from angels, so he reached out for a helping hand from some of the more 'devout' Christian followers. All three of their faces were shown to at least one religious zealot in every city of the country. They were instructed to pray the second any of them were seen.

Kansas of all fucking places, it did have a ring of irony to it though. Some pamphlet wielding putz outside of their hotel saw Dean and dropped a dime.

"Release the Winchesters now," Cas demanded in a cold dark voice.

"Now what fun would that be?" Zachariah challenged.

"You can't hurt them, they're the vessels."

"That was last week's script Castiel, I'm afraid there's been a rewrite."

"Their destinies have long since been foretold. You wish to challenge that which was written long before you even existed?"

"This isn't even _their _destiny at all, not the them of now anyway. We jump started the Apocalypse, no reason we can't use substitute vessels," Zachariah said smugly.

"Winchester blood leads us into paradise. That much is certain, there is no getting around that detail."

"You're right brother, but we've also found a substitute Winchester. Luckily for us, John was a busy boy."

"Adam," Cas whispered.

"Ding, ding, ding. Give the lady a prize."

"Nick isn't their brother. The vessels must be brothers. You don't know if it'll work."

"I don't," Zachariah agreed. "I despise these two just enough to find out though."

"So be it," Cas conceded. "I have no worries about going home and I know the Winchesters will be taking the same route."

_Wait, is she saying I get to go to Heaven? Thought it'd definitely be downstairs._

"I wouldn't make it that easy for you Castiel," Zachariah said with a dark grin.

"What do you want?"

"I want you to chose a Winchester."

"For what?" Cas asked confused.

"I want you to chose the one that gets to live."

"That's ridiculous. I'm not stupid Zachariah, you're going to kill all three of us anyway, I refuse to play your games."

"Granted, I _want _to kill you all, I think this way will be more fun. You chose Dean and he never forgives you for killing his baby brother, so you lose him, or you chose Sam and lose Dean anyway. No matter what, one of you is dead and the other two suffer. You'll all be dead soon enough anyway, this'll just be added fun."

Cas looked between the brothers who then looked at each other. They both knew who Cas would chose. Even if it meant she did lose Dean there wasn't any possible way she would make a decision that would end his life. Sam was never going to get out of this room. He only hoped it'd be quick and that Zachariah kept his word and let Dean and Cas live.

Cas looked back at Dean. They got caught in one of their speechless conversations. Cas made up her mind what she wanted to do, she just wanted Dean to be ok with it, as much as possible anyway. She looked at him as intently as she ever had and willed him to understand. He did.

"Cas no," Dean whispered, his voice cracking due to emotion.

"It's for the best Dean," Cas said quietly, breaking eye contact.

"It won't make a difference dammit," Dean shouted.

"I have to try."

"Enough!" Zachariah yelled. "Knock off the inside conversation and pick one Castiel," he demanded.

"Me," Cas said firmly. "Kill me."

"Excuse me?"

"C'mon Zachariah, you must want to see me dead just as much as the Winchesters, I'm the one who messed up your plans in the first place."

"Throwing yourself on the sword for the good of the group, why you really did become a Winchester, didn't you?"

"It's a fair offer," Cas said sternly.

"Well," Zachariah said, considering it. "I do want you dead also and it would really hurt Dean and it would cause gigantor over there a considerable amount of angsty guilt because he couldn't help and he'll know you'd be alive if he were dead...I accept your offer Castiel."

"NO!" Dean roared. He's a lying bastard Cas."

"I'm not lying," Zachariah defended, sounding insulted. "Tell him Castiel."

"He's telling the truth."

"I don't give a fuck if he is! Take me, I pick me," Dean pleaded.

"You don't get to pick maggot," Zachariah said with distaste.

"Cas look at me, please," Dean begged, the tears welling up in his eyes. Cas didn't want to, she was afraid she might lose her nerve if she looked into those green eyes she loved so much just one more time. She could never deny Dean when he directly asked for something though and she wasn't going to start now that it was most likely the last thing he'd ever ask of her, so she made eye contact. "Dammit, don't do this, don't die...not for me.".

"I know no better reason for it Dean," Cas said calmly.

"I'm not worth it, I never have been."

"You're worth everything Dean. You woke me up, you gave me my life. I'm grateful for every minute."

"I fucking ruined your life," Dean said, the tears coming freely now. "I ended it."

"Stow the touchy feely and let's get this done Castiel," Zachariah snapped.

"I love you Dean. Don't let them win," Cas said softly then stepped toward Zachariah.

He touched his hand to her forehead and began to burn the life out of her. The room lit up with bright white light. Both brothers struggled against the grip the angel behind them had on them but got nowhere. Sam gave up, realizing there was no point, even if they got free, Cas was dead. Dean, fighter till the bitter end, continued to struggle and yell out threats and every foul word under the sun at Zachariah.

A few minutes later the room was completely empty besides the brothers. The bastard even took her body. Dean walked over to where she had been killed and dropped to his knees. He'd never felt this much pain in his life. The only things that even came close were his father's death and when Sam was killed. That wasn't as bad, since part of him never accepted his brother's death. He knew he'd find a way to save him, that's why he refused to get rid of his body. This was different. Cas wasn't coming back. There were no demon deals to be made when angels killed the love of your life.

Dean didn't move and after a while Sam had to get him going. They needed to put some distance between themselves and this place. There was no telling if Zachariah would just pop back in, having changed his mind.

Sam grabbed him by the elbow and coaxed him to his feet. Dean went along with it. Then he let Sam lead him out of there and back to the Impala, Sam drove obviously. Dean didn't say a word, eat or sleep for two days. Sam was just about to force feed him and knock him unconscious so he'd get some rest when Dean finally did say something. To Sam's dismay, Dean said let's go to a bar, but he was gonna take what he could get. There would be food at the bar at least.

A week after Cas was killed, Sam had had enough. He knew how much his brother was hurting, he watched Jess die too, but he wasn't going to let Dean just slowly kill himself in front of him. He had to do something.

"Are we ever going to talk about it?" Sam asked.

"Talk about what?" Dean asked annoyed, as he cleaned the gun he was holding.

"Cas," Sam said quietly.

"Sam," Dean warned.

"You can't keep going on like this man."

"Going on like what exactly?" Dean snapped. "I get up in the morning, we hunt, we deal with the Apocalypse, I drink, and I eat pie. Seems like life as usual."

"So, you're just gonna shove it down until you explode, typical Dean."

"What the fuck do you want from me?" Dean growled.

"I want you to say SOMETHING dude, you won't even say her name and you freak when anyone else does. I know it's only been a week but you can't going like this."

_Has it only been a week? Part of me feels like it just happened five minutes ago it hurts so much...but I'm so exhausted it seems like it's been months._

"We're NOT having this discussion."

"You think Cas would wanna see you like this," Sam pushed.

"Do you _really _wanna provoke me when I'm surrounded by weapons?" Dean asked darkly. Sam paused and glanced quickly at the knives to the right of his brother and the guns to the left. He knew Dean would never use any of them, that's not why he hesitated. He was quiet because he wasn't sure if he should say what he was about to. He decided to do it. His brother was a stubborn bastard, tough love was for the best. Didn't make it any easier though.

"You think _this _is the Dean Cas sacrificed herself for?"

"I think Cas always overestimated me, both as a human and as an angel," Dean said coldly.

"It wouldn't kill you to actually admit she meant something to you Dean. That you _cared _about someone else."

"Fine, you want me to say I gave a shit about Cas, I did. You want me to say I really had feelings for a chick I fucked, I did."

"You did more than just give a shit, you were in love with her," Sam said evenly.

"You're really fucking testing my patients," Dean said through gritted teeth.

"Don't just waste it Dean. Cas gave you something, hang on to it," Sam said sadly.

"I'm here, ain't I?" Dean said, standing up from the bed and gesturing to himself. "No wasting here, Cas died to save my ass and here my ass stands. You want me to talk, fine. What do you want me to say exactly? It sucks? That I miss her? That every fucking second it hurts so much I don't know if I'll make the next one? That Cas was the best thing that ever happened to me and my dumb ass should have known it was too good to last? That I wish to God and whatever the fuck else is out there that it had been me instead? All of which are true, but none of them change a fucking thing," Dean ranted.

"That's not what you're wasting," Sam said calmly.

"Enlighten me then," Dean said, crossing his arms.

"You're different dude, you were before Cas died anyway. You were less shut down, less jaded, more relaxed, happy...I don't think I've ever really seen you actually happy before her."

"Yeah, you're probably right," Dean said without emotion. "I'm sure I was all those things when Cas was around. I'm also sure Cas was _why _I was all those things...and Cas is dead. So what difference does any of it make now Sammy?"

Dean looked and sounded so broken Sam didn't know what to say, there was nothing to say, nothing that would makes anything better anyway, make his brother hurt any less right now. He just looked at him sympathetically for a few seconds then Dean sat back down on the bed and continued to clean the weapons.

They were two days drive into some random goose chase and it was pissing Dean off. Chuck called them saying he had one of his visions, only it was pretty useless. All he 'knew' was that they had to go to the address he saw in his head, somewhere in the middle of Maine.

"It's an abandoned shopping center," Sam said unsure. "Are you sure this is the address Chuck said?"

"I'm sure," Dean said as he turned off the engine. "Let's get this over with."

The whole block was abandoned but they still went around the back of the building to break in, force of habit and all. Guns raised they walked slowly through what used to be a department store. Near the front of the building they saw someone standing by a dusty counter.

"Hey!" Dean yelled, cocking his gun. "Turn around slowly."

"Castiel?" Sam said in shock as the person turned to face them.

"He's not Cas," Dean said roughly as he lowered his gun.

"I'm Jimmy now," the man answered.

"W-what? How?" Sam asked.

"I really don't know," Jimmy shrugged. "I remember Raphael killing us, we went to Heaven and then I was back in my body again."

"When?" Sam asked.

"About ten months ago."

"That's when Cas came back," Sam said. Dean, at this point, seemed to have lost the ability or desire to speak.

"Castiel was back?" Jimmy questioned.

"She was," Sam said, looking sympathetically at Dean. "Zachariah killed her a month ago."

"She? Castiel came back in a female vessel?"

"No, she came back as a human," Dean said, finally speaking up. "And what do you mean was?" Dean asked, not missing his use of the past tense before Sam had said what happened.

"May we speak alone Dean?" Jimmy asked.

After a brief argument and a 'this conversation is fucking over' look from Dean, Sam reluctantly went back to the Impala to wait. Whatever Jimmy had to say it was pretty obvious he was nervous about it. He'd seemed really taken off guard that apparently Cas had been back, and as a human female no less.

"I ain't getting any younger," Dean said impatiently, after a few minutes of silence.

"Don't do it Dean," Jimmy said evenly.

"Do what?" Dean asked confused.

"What you're planning on doing," Jimmy said, keeping it cryptic.

"I ain't planning anything," Dean denied. "I'm more of an act on impulse guy."

"Castiel thinks otherwise."

"Y-you talked to Cas?"

"Castiel has been contacting me like before. He knows you're going to say yes to Michael and sent me to tell you not to."

"W-what, how? What else? Where is she?"

"He said he knows you can fight this and not to give in to those angel dicks, his words. I haven't asked, Heaven I'd assume."

"Well, can you talk back? Whenever you want I mean?" Dean asked hopefully.

"I'm sorry, it doesn't work that way."

"Is Cas ok?" Dean asked anxiously.

"Castiel is different, more human than before, that makes sense now. He's worried about you, other than that I don't know."

"That's a very useful message," Dean said sarcastically If she knows that I'm going to say yes then she should know _why._ We're getting killed down here, no way we get out of this one ourselves."

"I'm just the messenger," Jimmy shrugged. "He also said to have more faith in Sam. It's a long shot but if anyone has the will to do it, it's Sam. I hope you know what all that means because he didn't explain."

"I do, and it has about as much of a shot of working as I do of becoming the queen of England," he said sarcastically, then was quiet for a few seconds. "I don't know what else to do," Dean said, as he pinched the tension in his nose. "I'm fighting a losing battle here and my heart ain't in it anymore," he said with a humorless laugh. "I can't do it."

"Castiel believes in you. He said you would think this way, that you always underestimate your abilities, but you can do it."

"She may be right but she's missing one little detail."

"Which is?" Jimmy asked unsure.

"I don't _want _to, I'm just done. It's too hard without her," he admitted so quietly, Jimmy barely heard him.

"I think I missed a few scenes of the movie," Jimmy said, confused by what he was sensing from Dean. He certainly wasn't this attached to the angel when they met, or he hid it better at least.

Dean told him Sam would catch him up on what he missed of the soap opera then he turned around to leave, Jimmy followed.

The plan, if you could even call it one, that Cas was supporting was to have Sam say yes to Lucifer. The moose got it in his head that he could say yes then take control just long enough to open the cage and jump in. Every aspect of this plan was ridiculous. There wasn't a chance in Hell of Sam being able to control Lucifer for even two seconds. And if by some miracle from God, and it would literally have to be, he did take control long enough, he's be trapped in a cage in Hell with the fucking devil himself. No way.

Death, much to everyone's surprise, willingly gave his ring up. Crowley had tipped them off about a location and part of Dean thought, hoped, it'd be a suicide mission. How the hell were they supposed to dick with death? Seemed Lucifer had pissed the horseman off. He had him bound with some spell and was making him bend to his every request, murder. Death wanted free. He gave Dean his ring and told him what he needed to do to open the cage. There was a big snag in the plan, he insisted Dean promise to let Sam say yes. Dean lied and agreed. Dean of course, didn't tell Sam or Bobby about Death's one little condition but Sam got there all on his own anyway. The big self righteous moose, got his ridiculous 'control' Lucifer idea a couple days later.

Less than a week later Dean was done. He called to Zachariah and told him he wanted to say yes. In the middle of Zachariah calling Michael Dean heard an ear piercing noise in his head. He slapped his hands over his ears and hunched down in pain. Zachariah told him it was too late to pull any of his crap, Michael was coming. The noise continued in his head, the same noise he heard the day he met Cas in the barn. He'd tried to talk to Dean in his true voice and it didn't go well.

_Cas? That's you, I know it is. I hear you Cas. I'm going to be the man you think I am for once._

Cas obviously heard him. The noise in his head stopped. There was a similar but less offensive noise coming from over head, Michael was on his way. Dean had to do this quick. He was only a couple feet away from Zachariah so it didn't take much. Dean moved swiftly, shoved the angel against the wall, snaked his angel blade and held it to the bottom of his chin.

"This is for Cas," Dean said in a low dark growl, before quickly pushing the blade up through his head.

That night Dean told Sam he was on board with the plan, if he still wanted to do it.

"You're really gonna let me say yes?" Sam asked surprised.

"No, that's just it, I'm not _letting _you do anything. It's your life, your decision. I won't make the same mistake with you that I did with Cas."

"What mistake?"

"Removing your freewill. I was such a fucking hypocrite. I used this whole big 'humans have free will' speech to get Cas to turn against Heaven then when she got to be human, I took hers away."

"How do you figure?"

"Cas did everything I ever told her. And pretty much everything she did was for or because of me. If I had let her make some of her own decisions maybe things would have turned out differently for her," Dean said guiltily.

"That's bullshit," Sam said with annoyance. Dean's head shot up to look at him, taken aback by the reaction. "You were only ever trying to protect her and it wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference what you _let _her do. A thousand little things could have been different and still led up to us in that room, and under every single one of them Cas would have done the same thing. Because she loved you Dean. You put your life on the line for people all the time and you can't accept when someone actually does it back."

"We're gonna have to agree to disagree on this one Sammy."

That night they, along with Bobby, drove out to a remote place, walked to the center of a big empty field and Sam called Lucifer. It really was a million to one odds but Dean was still heartbroken when it didn't work. The fucker had to twist the knife even. After Sam said yes Lucifer acted like Sam had control still, even started to open the cage. But then he revealed himself and disappeared.

This was it. The end was actually here. Dean did the only thing he could think to do, he called Chuck. Chuck told him about his latest vision, where the Michael and Lucifer showdown was happening. Dean asked if he knew the outcome but Chuck apologized and said he hadn't seen that yet.

Apparently it had to end where it began. The big fight was taking place at noon in an old cemetery in Lawrence. Dean rolled up a few minutes to twelve and threw out a hale mary. The angel dicks went with their plan B, Adam was Michael's meat suit. They had their brother vessels now.

"Hey!" Dean yelled. "I want to talk to you."

"I'm busy," Lucifer said.

"Not you asshole, Sam."

"You're not part of this anymore Dean. Now leave," Michael demanded.

Bobby, who had been quietly working on the spell from the passenger seat of the Impala finished...Michael disappeared. Lucifer turned around and looked at the empty spot with shock.

"It'll give ya a good five minutes boy," Bobby said, after stepping out of the car.

"Did you just banish my brother?" Lucifer asked darkly. "Nobody dicks with Michael but me." He snapped his fingers and Bobby exploded.

_Jesus Christ! Keep it together Dean. The world's ending anyway, do what you came here for._

"I want to talk to Sam now," Dean demanded.

"I tried to go easy on you, for Sam's sake, but you're just too big of a pain in the ass. I have some time to kill before Michael gets back."

He snapped his fingers making Dean appear in front of him. He beat the shit out of him for about the next five minutes. Once Michael was back he was just about to kill Dean when suddenly, they had company.

"Lucifer! Michael!" One of the voices shouted. They both froze and stared in shock.

"Dean!" The other yelled with concern

"It's ok my son, he will be fine," the first voice said to the second.

Dean was on the ground, beaten within an inch of his life and everything around him seemed to be moving in slow motion and was muffled. He turned his head to the voices, his vision was blurred but he could still make out who they were.

_Chuck? What the hell is he doing here? And Jimmy?_

Then it hit him. His feeling might have come slower because of his injuries or because it had been awhile since it had happened last, but it was definitely there. That wasn't Jimmy. A thousand thoughts and emotions flooded over him.

"Cas," Dean whispered in shock.

_Cas is alive. Cas is back. Cas is an angel again. Why the hell did he bring Chuck here though?_

Cas nodded and gave him the best reassuring look he could muster under the circumstances. It was taking every bit of will power he had in him to just stand there. Dean was hurt, his nature was to fix it, but things needed to be done first.

"Would you two like to explain just what you're up to," Chuck demanded.

_Since when did Chuck grow a pair?_

"We're just for filling what was written Father," Michael said, trying to hide his nerves.

"A little early, but same principles," Lucifer shrugged.

_Holy shit, Chuck's God?_

"I see you're just as insolent as ever Lucifer," God said disapprovingly. "You're in a lot of trouble Michael, as are your siblings that were involved in this mess, now go home and wait for your reprimand.

In the blink of an eye Michael was gone. As if reading Dean's mind, which for all Dean knew he was, God spoke to him.

"Adam's soul is back safe in Heaven Dean."

"Lemme guess, I get to go back in the cage?" Lucifer guessed.

"No," God said shaking his head. Everyone, even Dean who was in pain with every movement, looked at God with shock. "You were cast out of Heaven to learn a lesson, it was always my intent to bring you home one day. I know you haven't learned that lesson yet, but now some of your siblings have committed the same level of disobedience and I think it would be best to deal with you all as a group. Now go home and await my return."

Much to everyone's surprise, except God's apparently, Lucifer did as he was told with out a word. Before Dean even had the chance to say anything both Sam and Bobby were standing less than three feet from him and Dean was standing upright and fully healed.

"I would like to thank you all for your efforts to save this world. I should have never left my children as long as I did, I put more trust in them than they deserved. I'm ashamed of all those involved and they will be dealt with properly, I promise you."

"Uh, you're welcome," Bobby said. It was lame but he had to be given some credit, he was the only one of the three that could manage to say a word.

Then God turned to Castiel. "I'm especially proud of you my child. Despite all you had grown to know and believe, you knew when things truly weren't right and you stood up against seemingly impossible odds and sacrificed yourself, twice."

"It was Dean Father, he made me see the truth. Dean saved us all."

"Yes indeed my son. He may not have been the vessel Michael was meant to take, but he truly is a righteous man. As I told you, the choice is yours now." Then he turned back to the humans. "If you'll excuse me, I have some disobedience to attend to. You will not be bothered by Heavenly means again in your lifetimes."

God zapped off back to Heaven and they were left standing there. Nobody spoke for a good few minutes.

"Well um, uh," Dean fumbled. "Oh fuck if I know. Who's hungry?"

"I'm starving. Lucifer didn't feed me at all," Sam smirked.

"The world didn't end, I guess I could treat myself to a burger," Bobby shrugged.

"I no longer experience hunger but I want apple pie none-the-less," Cas chimed in.

A little over an hour later they were at a hotel. Sam went in the office and paid for two rooms. Nobody said anything. Sam just handed one of the keys to Dean and he and Bobby went to the other room.

Dean opened the door and gestured for Cas to go in first. He stepped inside, shut the door, then rested his head against it. His mind was pulling him in a hundred different directions and he felt like he was on a roller coaster of emotions. Cas didn't say a word. He knew when Dean just needed a minute, so he waited. He fully expected Dean to speak up at some point, he did not however, expect Dean to do what he ended up doing.

After about five minutes of silence Dean turned around to face Cas. They locked into one of their famous intense eye contact stare offs and about a minute or so later, Dean reacted.

Dean closed the small gap between them, grabbed Cas by the collar of his shirt, shoved him against the wall beside them, and kissed him hard. He didn't back off til they were both out of breath, or just Dean rather, Cas didn't need to breathe anymore. Cas looked at him wide eyed, mouth slightly parted.

"What?" Dean shrugged. "Not like it's the first time I did that."

"I-I umm, I assumed things would be different now that I've returned to my vessel," Cas stammered out.

"Because your a dude again," Dean mused. Cas gave him a look and he corrected himself. "Sorry, because your vessel's a dude again."

"Well yes," Cas said frankly. "I have detailed knowledge of everyone you have ever been intimately involved with and those you desired, none of them were male."

"Eww gross," Dean said with distaste. "Nobody likes a peeping Tom Cas." Cas narrowed his eyes at him so Dean continued. "Look, you're right, I've never been with a guy or wanted to," Dean said, picking up a serious tone. "What I have figured out since I lost you, is just how much you mean to me. I ain't gonna lie, I really enjoyed that hot chick ya got turned into, but it don't matter. It isn't even supposed to be possible but I've been connected to you since the first time we met. It hurt when Raphael killed you, I felt like something was missing til the second I saw you in that motel room. When Zachariah killed you again, it destroyed me. There wasn't just _something_ missing, I was missing. You took me with ya Cas. It doesn't matter who or what they bring you back as, you're still Cas, _my _Cas, you're part of me."

"Wow, I-I'm a bit lost as to how to respond to that actually."

"It's ok Cas. You said enough of this the first time around, it's my turn now."

Dean brought his hand up and softly touched it to Cas' cheek. Jimmy had a perpetual five o'clock shadow. Dean knew Cas did all the personal hygiene stuff with angel powers so if he left it, he must have been indifferent about it. The first kiss was on pure instinct. It was really good because Dean missed Cas so much, it had been so long, and because Cas was a really good freaking kisser. But nothing else had entered his thoughts at the time. Now that his mind caught up with his heart he was doing more thinking.

Dean traced along his face and looked at him as if he were studying him. He stopped at his lips. He brushed his thumb along Cas' bottom lip and pulled it down a little, ever so gently. It was something he'd done a thousand times while they were together. Cas kept his hands at his sides and didn't dare move. Dean moved his hand away and cast his eyes away, he looked deep in thought.

"It's ok," Cas said, trying to cover the disappointment in his voice. "We don't have to be what we were, I'll still be here for you Dean, in whatever way you need."

"No, Cas, I _want _to be like we were before."

"But you looked troubled after you touched me," Cas said confused.

"I, uh," Dean said, scratching the back of his head, the way Cas found adorable, as he did when he was nervous. "I'm kinda mapping things out."

"Such as?" Cas wondered.

"Well, mechanics," Dean said awkwardly. "I mean, above the belt stuff will be the same, minus some grabbing. Below the belt, uh, that's where I get hung up a little. I want you, I do, I just need to adjust to the new uh...parts."

"I'll do whatever you need to help. You know I don't think in genders so I'm fine with whatever role you want me in."

"Are you offering to be the bottom Cas?" Dean asked with a cheeky grin.

"I see you haven't become any less insufferable in my absence," Cas said, rolling his eyes at him.

"Cas," Dean said, in a serious even voice that fully grabbed Cas' attention. Dean brought his hand back to Cas' face and cupped his cheek. He locked eyes with the angel before he spoke again. "I-I...it's uh, well um," Dean rambled out. "Oh, fuck me hard," he snapped at himself in annoyance. "Iloveyou," he said so quick it came out as all one word. Cas looked at him stunned. "You got that right?" He asked unsure.

Cas paused for a beat. "I don't believe I did," he lied evenly. Dean knew he was lying and Cas knew he knew. Dean also knew he had it coming.

Dean took a deep breath, locked eyes again, and gave it another shot. "I should have said this the first time you did. Fuck, I should have said it the day you showed up at the motel, but I wasn't capable of it, not even to myself. I regretted not saying it everyday you were gone and I'm not gonna make the same mistake all over again. Cas, I love you."

"I know," Cas murmured.

Dean leaned in for the second kiss. The weird part was, that it wasn't weird, not at all. The only thing that was on Dean's mind was that he was kissing Cas, his Cas was back. They made their way over to the bed and made out like teenagers for the next couple of hours but they never went past second base...which was well, different, there was nothing to hold on to up under Cas' shirt. So second base lost the the cupping and picked up more fondling.

A few days later they were all back at Bobby's house, well minus Bobby actually. Dean declared they all needed a vacation and were gonna take a well deserved breather for a good few weeks. When they got back Bobby said he needed an _actual _vacation and he was gonna go see what all the fuss over tropical islands was about, he just wasn't sure which one yet.

"Morning," Sam said from the kitchen table, while pushing his cereal around with a spoon. "H-how'd ya sleep?"

"That's not what you wanna ask me," Dean said, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"I-um, well," Sam said nervously. "I doubt you wanna answer that question."

"I don't, prolly won't either, but just ask before that furrowed brow gets stuck."

"So, where's Cas?"

"Ah, there ya go Sammy, you're getting closer," Dean smirked.

"You're really gonna make me say it aren't you?" Sam asked awkwardly. Dean nodded. "Dick," he grumbled to himself. "You and Cas are still, well, you and Cas?"

"What do you think?" Dean asked, in avoidance.

"I think there's one bed in that spare bedroom and I know Cas didn't leave last night, dude's your shadow."

"Well, there you go."

"That's it?" Sam asked surprised. "You're just...cool with the whole guy thing?" Sam wasn't judging, Dean could do whatever he wanted and Sam would have his back. He was just not expecting Dean to be so well, mature about it.

"It's Cas, that's all that even enters my mind," Dean said honestly. Sam gave him the strangest look and Dean got kinda self conscious. "What? Why are you givin' me that look?"

"I, um. Well, I'm pretty sure that's the most adult way you've ever looked at something...or answered a serious question."

"Shut up bitch."

"There, that's more like it."

"Why didn't I stay an only child?" Dean asked, rolling his eyes.

That night Dean did something that creeped him out, something he hadn't done since before he got with Cas and he was trying to manage his twelve year old boy crush. He watched Cas sleep. Cas didn't need to sleep anymore now that he was an angel again, but he'd grown to like it and figured he might as well kill time while Dean was getting the sleep _he _did need. Tonight was a little different though, Dean was the one wide awake. He kept _thinking_, this never ended well. He had made his mind up to do something he knew he should, but did NOT want to do.

The next day he set out determined to do what he needed to.

"Cas, ya wanna go for a walk with me?"

"You want to go for a walk?" Cas asked, after putting down the book he was reading on the couch next to him.

"Yeah, uh, let's get out of the house."

"Ok Dean," Cas said, then got off of the couch and followed Dean's lead out of the back door.

They made it to the outer most part of Bobby's junkyard and Dean stopped. He hadn't said a word since leaving the house and Cas was starting to get anxious. Dean leaned against a beat up old Nova and stuck his hands in his jacket pockets. Cas just stood in front of him and waited. After a few minutes Dean finally spoke up.

"Look, there isn't a single part of me that wants to say this, so I know it's the right thing to do," Dean said disheartened. "You gotta go. You're an angel again. You got a second...third chance, don't waste it here."

"I'm not _wasting it here,_ I don't even care I'm an angel again. You know I can't leave you Dean," Cas said, not believing what he was hearing.

"You can't just rot down here loving me the rest of my life," Dean said, raising his voice. He wasn't mad, he just needed Cas to listen. "It may be all fun and games, ganking monsters and eating pie now, but when I'm old and start to lose my hair it's gonna suck ass."

Cas looked at him like he was being ridiculous, which he was, but not for the reason Castiel was looking at him this way. "I'm not going to love you for the rest of your life," Cas said, as if Dean's statement was insulting to him.

"Now you're getting it," Dean said, with a mixture of undeniable disappointment and a hint of 'I fucking knew it' cynicism. He never truly understood why Cas loved him and was so loyal to him to begin with, so Cas saying it would end really wasn't that surprising. He'd always waited for that other shoe to drop, didn't mean it still didn't hurt though.

"Once again your skewed view of self worth makes you misunderstand," Cas said exasperated. "I won't love you the rest of _your _life, I will love you the rest of _mine_. And as you pointed out, I'm an angel again, so that will be eternity."

Dean looked at him without saying a word. He never questioned anything Cas outright told him. He sometimes didn't understand why Cas would say or believe the things conveyed but he knew Cas didn't lie, especially not to him. Dean knew Cas, along with everything before, meant it. Castiel, angel and human, held Dean on a pedistool he was never meant to be on in the first place. But none of it changed the fact that Dean was right. He was no good for an angel, _earth _was no good for an angel. He'd already done enough to fuck up Cas' life, he couldn't keep doing it. If he really loved Cas as much as he finally admitted he did, then he couldn't be selfish, he had to let go.

"And I'll love you the rest of mine," Dean said quietly. "That's why I have to do this. I can't be selfish with you Cas, not you, not after everything you've done for me. You're in a cage down here man, you have to go home. I have to _let _you go home."

"You think I shouldn't be here because I'm an angel again?" Cas asked.

"Yeah, it's not good for you here. Earth isn't good enough for you Cas. You're a bad ass mother fucker, a warrior of God. This battle is over, go home and rest up for the next one," Dean said, trying to stay strong.

"There's no other reason you want me to go?"

"W-what?" Dean asked, taken aback by the question. "No, of course not."

"You know I can never say no to you," Cas said sadly.

"Cas?" Dean asked tentatively.

"Yes Dean," Cas responded, not quite meeting his eyes.

"You, uh, you said before, when you were human, that I was going to Heaven. Am I?"

"Of course Dean. You're a righteous man," Cas said. Dean gave him a firm look. "My apologies, I know you disagree, but God and I don't. You'll go to Heaven."

"Will I get to see you?" Dean asked unsure.

"Angels are not permitted to interact with human souls unless there is a specific reason, which would be extremely rare."

"So, this is it then?" Dean asked sadly.

"It would appear so," Cas said somberly.

They both just stood there a few minutes, neither wanting to say it, say goodbye.

"Just don't be watching me sleep up there. You know how much that creeps me out," Dean half heartedly joked.

"Take care of yourself Dean, please," Cas said, giving him a sincere look.

"You know I won't," Dean smirked. They were both quiet again.

"I can't say it Dean."

"Me either."

"So, what now?"

"I'll go. When my back is turned, you go too," Dean said evenly.

"Ok," Cas said under his breath.

Dean reluctantly took a few steps, paused, willed himself not to, but turned around anyway. Cas was gone.

_Well that's it. It's over. It won't be as hard this time, Cas isn't dead. He's better off._

A few weeks went by and Dean was trying his best to keep it together. To his credit, he didn't spend every minute hammered, just most of it. A good thousand times a day he was tempted to call out to Cas, beg him to come back, but he didn't. Nothing was different. Cas was an angel again and the world still sucked. Cas deserved better and Dean wasn't going to be in the way of that. God was back in Heaven now, Cas had what he wanted. Dean was no competition for God.

_You're in a cage down here man, you have to go home. I have to let you go home._

That had replayed in Castiel's head a million times since returning to Heaven. Dean thought Heaven was the right place for the angel, that earth would be a cage. The real truth was that _Heaven _was the cage now. When Castiel first took Jimmy as a vessel earth was very constricting. He couldn't wait to go back home. The more time spent with Dean the less earth _didn't _seem like home. After spending all those months on earth with him after becoming human Cas realized Heaven, earth, it didn't make a difference. _Dean _was home, where ever he was.

"You're watching Dean again?" Came the voice from behind him.

"I-I'm sorry father," Cas stammered, nervous he'd been caught.

"It's ok my child. You miss him."

"I do," Cas said sadly.

"I'm still not sure why you're here Castiel, I gave you a choice."

"Dean thinks I'm better off here now that I'm an angel again," Cas explained.

"And you'd rather be anywhere but here," God mused.

"N-no father, I'm happy to be in Heaven, it's just..." Cas started but God interjected.

"This isn't your home anymore."

"Yes," Cas admitted ashamed.

"You have nothing to feel guilty about Castiel," God said in a comforting manner. "You love him, naturally you would want to be with him. You truly did what I told you and your siblings, you loved humans."

"You give me too much credit Father. We both know it's only one human."

"He may be placed above all others, and there's nothing wrong with that, but you _do _love other humans. You knew what the other angels were doing was wrong and you tried to help them."

"Because _he _asked me too," Cas clarified.

"You developed feelings Castiel. That is unheard of of an angel. He may be the cause of you doing right, but you still chose to do right despite knowing very well it might cost you your life."

"You're not disappointed in me?" Cas asked surprised.

"Not in the slightest," God said, shaking his head. "I'm quite proud of you. Dean is your love. Yes, you touched his soul and therefore felt the need to protect it, but it was different with you Castiel. From the second you raised Dean from Hell he wasn't just your charge, his soul wasn't just your responsibility because you'd come in contact with it, you _cared _about him, you _wanted _to protect him. That has never happened with another angel before. And if that wasn't amazing enough in it's own right, Dean himself defied what was previously known. He felt the connection _back, _my child. That shouldn't have even been possible. You and Dean are truly the definition of soul mates, like no other before you."

"I just want him to be happy Father, he isn't happy at all."

"I doubt he ever will be, without you Castiel," God said simply. "I don't want to see you this troubled my child, what can I do to ease your suffering?"

"Fix him, make him happy."

"I can not do that. I gave humans free will, his will is to mourn your loss. What is it that you want Castiel, ask me anything else."

"Anything?"

"Yes."

"Can I be as I was?"

"As Zachariah made you?"

"Yes. Father, I know he did it for malicious reasons, but it..." Castiel started.

"It's ok Castiel, I know. You were happy. Dean was happy. How you became what you were was through no wrong doing by you nor Dean and there should be no reason either of you need to suffer for it. If this is what you really want, I will grant it."

"Really?" Cas asked with excitement.

"Really," God confirmed.

"Yes, yes it's what I really want," Cas said with certainty.

"You're aware of the consequences to this decision? You will fully be human in every way, all the hardships you had the first time will still be there. If something were to kill you, you would come home. If nothing comes to your harm you will live out a natural human life until it is your time to die. There are no guarantees when this will be."

"I understand Father," Cas nodded.

"Then, as you wish. I will see you when it's time for you to come home," God said, then touched his fingers to Castiel's forehead.

Cas shifted her weight, as to not fall, when her feet touched the ground. She looked around, taking in her surroundings, she was in Bobby's junkyard. She figured Dean must still be here, God would have placed her where ever he was. For some strange reason she was nervous. What if Dean didn't want her? What if he just wasn't cut out for the type of commitment they had? What if he was...then she shook her head of the thoughts. There was no reason to be this nervous and she needed to knock it off. Dean loved her, he missed her, he would want her back. He might be a little pissy about it at first, but that was his way. She walked up to the front door and knocked. She both wanted Dean to be the one on the other side and for anyone but him to be on it, both in equal measures.

Sam opened the door. She let out a sigh of mixed relief and disappointment.

"Holy shit," Sam said. looking her over in shock.

"Not anymore Sam," Cas dead panned.

"You're human again," Sam said as he stepped out of her way.

"Yes I am," she said walking through the doorway.

"H-how? Why?"

"God. Because I asked."

"Wow," Sam said with a sigh. Then he surprised them both and grabbed Cas up off her feet and into a bone crushing bear hug.

"C-can't breathe Sam," Cas struggled to say, which came out muffled because her face was pressed into his chest. He promptly put her back on the ground and released her, then took a step back.

"Sorry," he said awkwardly. "I really missed you too."

"It's ok Sam," Cas smiled. "I missed you as well."

"I know you gotta be dying to see Dean, but can I ask you why you did it?"

Cas looked at him as if he were a small child asking an extremely stupid question.

"To be with Dean," she said in a, 'this is ridiculously obvious' tone.

"But you left him, you chose Heaven," Sam said awkwardly.

"Is that what he told you?" Cas asked in disbelief.

"Yeah," Sam said, feeling stupid. "I should have know better."

"Where is he?" Cas asked.

"Upstairs. He only ever comes down to get more booze," Sam said with dismay.

"I know," Cas said, then turned to make her way upstairs.

She climbed the stairs slowly. Her heart was pounding with anticipation. She stood in front of the door to their room and knocked hesitantly.

"Get lost Sam," Dean snapped from the other side.

Cas took this as her invitation. She opened the door and stepped just inside.

"Dammit Sam I said..." Dean started to say from the bed, before he looked up and saw who was standing there. "Jesus Christ," he whispered to himself.

"No, just an ex-angel," Cas said evenly.

Dean got off of the bed and slowly approached her, stopping an arm's length away.

"C-cas? You're human again," Dean said, his voice cracking.

"Yes," she affirmed quietly.

"H-how? Why?" He asked, mimicking his little brother's questions from just a few minutes ago.

"God. Because I asked," she repeated in answer.

"Dammit Cas," Dean said sadly. "What did you do?"

"I came home," she said firmly.

All the self control Dean had went right out the window. He grabbed her face between his hands, pulled her to him and crashed their lips together. The kiss quickly deepened and their hands clutched at one another. They both held on as if the other could disappear at any second. After a few minutes they needed to separate for air. Dean pulled his lips away but didn't move far. He rested his forehead against hers and they were both quiet for a minute as their breathing went back to normal.

"You're so fucking stubborn," Dean breathed out.

"I wonder who I learned that from," she said softly.

He pulled away a little and held her face in his hands, tilting her head to look him in the eyes.

"Things are going to be different this time," he said sternly. She looked at him with confusion. "You will _not _put yourself in extra danger for me. You will _not _pull any self sacrificing crap for me or in any way at all for that matter. Promise me now."

"I can promise if it makes you feel any better, but you know I'll break it," she said.

"Do you seriously remember everything I ever tell you?"

"Pretty much."

"I really gotta watch my shit," he said, shaking his head. "Ok, since we're both blatant liars, let's try this another way. Let's _both _promise we'll do whatever we possibly can in self preservation, even if it is mostly for the other person."

"I can do that," she said casually.

"No regard for your own safety, you _really _did become a Winchester."

"I take that as a compliment."

"Yeah," Dean said, rolling his eyes. "I know you do."

She looked at him intently and he just looked back. They had no reason to say how much they missed each other or how miserable they were while apart, the other already knew because they felt it too. Dean brought her into a tight embrace and that was how they stayed for a good long while. It was Cas who finally broke away.

"I could _really _go for a bacon cheese burger and some pie," she said.

"You're trying to feed me, aren't you?" He asked with an eyebrow raise.

"I wouldn't need to if you had bothered to consume anything other than alcohol in my absence," Cas said with a disapproving look.

"Sam is such a little rat," Dean grumbled.

"Sam didn't need to tell me anything."

"You didn't do anything up there besides watch me, did you?"

"No."

"Good."

Cas looked at him surprised. She'd expected him to be annoyed, to get a lecture, for him to rant about how unworthy he was for her to give everything up for.

"I was expecting uh..." Cas started to say.

"A temper tantrum?" Dean guessed.

"Well yeah," Cas confirmed.

"You're gonna have to wait til you do something to piss me off for that, which should be pretty quick, knowing you," Dean teased.

"I should have asked to keep my ability to smite things," Cas said with a glare.

"God I missed you," Dean said, in all seriousness.

"I believe it goes with out saying that I did as well," she smiled at him.

Life would in no way be easy for them. They, Cas included now, were still Winchesters after all. And hunters. There was always going to be something to kill, their lives were always going to be in danger, and they'd alway live on the outside of the rest of society. But things would be better. For the first time in Dean's life he had someone who unconditionally and irrevocably loved him. Cas would never leave and she would never betray him, he fully believed that. He always thought he wanted a _normal _life, but with Cas he realized all he ever wanted was for someone to love him because they _wanted _to, not because they were supposed to. Not that he didn't believe Sam, Bobby, his dad, and his mom didn't really love him, but they were family, pure luck of the draw. Cas _chose _Dean, had given up everything for him and Dean was gonna do his best to be the everything that she deserved.


End file.
